


The Crow & The Butterfly

by Abworkma



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25014631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abworkma/pseuds/Abworkma
Summary: When hard times come around, suddenly the person you never thought you could be is looking back at you from the mirror challenging you to be good enough.
Relationships: Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger
Comments: 21
Kudos: 105





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> I’ve had this idea for a while, having actually started it for another fandom years ago but wanting to adapt it for these two 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

"Ash?" He questioned softly with concern lacing his deep voice and words floating into the crisp air as he exited the front door of the farmhouse and squinted his eyes through the darkness of the night in search of his fuming sister who had stormed out in a fury of anger, her boots heavily knocking against the hardwood floors loudly the whole way out before she allowed the door to slam behind her. 

Their argument had been an awful one this time, furious words heaved back and forth in the confines of the small kitchen as he stood by idly and watched, unsure of whether to intervene or let it run its course. It was not one of the worst fights between the two; but it had been bad enough to warrant the need for space from the man they called their father. 

Mike Harris. 

A salt of the earth coal miner born from a time when a man's only sense of self-worth came from the job he had and the work he did. All his adult life he'd spent acquiring his calloused hands with their thick pads and rugged fingernails with permanent layers of grime caked beneath them. His slumped shoulders and arched back were merely a result of the pain he'd shouldered daily, shoveling cart loads of coal from the mountains of North Carolina. It was a job he'd grown to resent, such a stark contrast to the joy and happiness he'd felt when he'd received news of the mass recruitment of coal workers in 1983, his father helping him land the job that he just knew would be his ride to success. It became, however, something else entirely when a stick of dynamite blew prematurely, killing his father and trapping several others for days. It had been one of the hardest times in his life to that point, having looked up to his father in the loving way any son does when they have a great one. It had been enough heartache to last two lifetimes. Little did he know then, it would only be the start. The years after had been anything but sympathetic, seeing fit to take his beloved wife from him during a rough labor and leaving him alone to raise twins, a girl and a boy, who almost immediately became the apples of his eyes. It was only in the last six years that he'd really begun butting heads with the younger of the two, his rebellious daughter.

Though they had always had this strained relationship for whatever reason, it was his old fashioned ideals and opinions that were the main reason for the rift that had formed between him and Ashlyn as of late. He'd wanted nothing more than for them both to graduate school and get a good job, settle down with a good spouse and make themselves a home. Though they both rebelled against this in their own ways, it was Ashlyn who had struck a nerve within him the most. She had dropped out of school, barely completing her GED and decided to entertain her first year of adulthood with parties and numerous women.

Chris sighed as he thought of how much his sister and father were losing by continuously fighting during each and every encounter. It had been such a shame that they had lost their mother, but it was even more unfortunate that their father was still here and yet he and Ashlyn couldn't find it in them to get along with each other. They just couldn’t put aside their differences and find a way to meet in the middle on sturdy common ground. 

Who knew when the day would come that they wouldn't have that chance anymore?

"Ash? Are you out here still?" He called, hopeful she hadn’t left as he pulled his bomber jacket tightly together in the front, his whitened fingertips cold from the air as they gripped the fabric as he walked his large frame around the porch to the side of the house.

It was then that he spotted the lone shadowy figure of his sister leaning against the siding, the only evidence being the cloud of smoke and faint glow of the lit cigarette as it moved towards her face. Hoping from the porch with his boots kicking up gravel, he made his way towards her as he smiled softly, fondly remembering the first time they were both caught smoking back there. It had been well past midnight and, being fifteen year olds with a rebellious streak, they'd snuck out their windows to light up a pack they'd received from an older friend earlier that day.

"You two better pray that I don't find cigarette butts out there… or your asses will be grounded for the rest of the year," Chris mocked in an uncanny impression of their father's voice as he came to a stop in front of the leaning figure of his sister. 

Ashlyn immediately smirked in amusement and stubbed the cigarette out on the ground, leaning back once again and taking a deep breath to allow the fresh night air to wash over her. 

“God, I remember how mad he was," Chris added before smiling at the memory, laughing as he came to stand next to his sister, leaning back against the siding in much the same way.

"Yeah," Ashlyn's husky voice finally made itself known with a chuckle before blowing out a puff of breath, her blonde locks of hair whipping around haphazardly in the breeze. It was late November and the wind this time of year in the hills of North Carolina brought with it a certain chill. 

"I never thought, out of the two of us, that you'd be the first to quit. You always seemed to get me to follow you into trouble," she finished with adoration and a raised eyebrow, her voice soft and gravelly as she chuckled.

"Yeah," Chris smiled fondly at his sister's admission, reminiscing about the times when he would have a brilliant idea and coax little Ashlyn into joining him with it; and being the younger one by a whole four and a half minutes Ashlyn gladly obliged. 

"You know he doesn't hate you Ash. He just… doesn't understand you. That's all." His voice confessed softly as he leaned against the old farmhouse beside his sister, bumping his shoulder lovingly against hers.

Though it was a farmhouse— a two story dirty white house situated on ten acres of green, plush land with a rusty old grain silo and a small red barn with the paint chipping away— Chris could never remember ever growing or farming anything. He surmised it had been a dream of their mother's to raise a family here, a dream that his father just could never bring himself to let go of.

"That's funny because you and I both have always stuck together. We go to the same parties… You may have graduated without me, but we've been in trouble together countless times… If he doesn't hate me, then why is it always my face that shit gets thrown in?" Ashlyn released angrily before fingering her half smoked pack, ripping open the top and fishing out another. Her lanky fingers grasped her lighter in one hand while shielding the flame with the other as the stick was lit ablaze.

"He's just stressed out right now," Chris replied as he kicked a rock with the toe of his boot, knowing that their father had always had a hard time with Ashlyn because of how she came into this world. It was during her birth that complications arose, but he himself would never ever blame his dear sister for an act of God. It was also something that Ashlyn was completely unaware of; Chris had only accidently found out one night as he’d found his father mumbling drunkenly in his sleep. "I finally told him last week."

"I take it he didn't like the idea?" Ashlyn questioned with a sarcastic chuckle before inhaling another drag, the tip of the cigarette lighting up momentarily as the smoke filled her lungs. Such an unhealthy habit, but she promised herself that she would stop one day.

"No, actually…" he paused momentarily, knowing that the next statement would hurt his sister a bit even though she’d never let on. "He's quite proud of me."

"You always were his favorite,” she replied genuinely, not meaning to sound bitter and continuing before Chris could protest. "It's okay Chris, you deserve to have him proud of you. I'm proud of you. You're doing something I would never have the balls to do."

Smirking, Chris wasted no time in leaning in towards her before suggesting, "You know, they have a buddy system…"

Ashlyn's eyebrows rose in disinterest before sardonically replying,, "As much as I would love to join you, someone has to stick around here so Dad has a punching bag." Her eyes rolled in irritation, knowing that the disabled man would be completely lost if they both left to fight a war for the rich people and their oil.

"No you don't," Chris said solemnly before rubbing Ashlyn's shoulder in comfort. He could almost physically feel how much his impending departure was affecting his usually stoic and hard-ass of a sister, their unique bond allowing them insight into one another’s psyche as they were able to read each other so easily, like a favorite novel. "You don't have to stay here Ash. He'll manage on his own."

"Nah, I know… Besides, I have a few gigs lined up," she dismissed, quickly excusing her real reasons before inhaling her last bit of nicotine and flicking the filter across the lawn. "I'm hoping it works out you know?"

"I'm sure it will," Chris offered as he grabbed for Ashlyn's pack, knowing his sister would only light up another one in a minute or so and was getting a head start so that he could join his sister for one last smoke before he left in the morning for basic training. "You have no idea how talented you are, Ash."

Ashlyn smiled a small faint smile as she handed over the lighter, watching in amusement as her brother had trouble lighting up the first one he’d touched since they were sixteen, trying multiple times to flick the lighter without success. 

"Here, let me." And with that, she ignited the tip of Chris's goodbye cigarette and swallowed the lump in her throat as she thought about what the following day would bring— Chris leaving her for the first time in their lives.

For a long moment they stood solemnly side by side leaning against the only house they'd ever lived in with its jagged almond-colored siding and rotted porch swing, relishing in the last moments of their time together for a long while. It had always been an easy relationship between the two, never really having those sibling fights or rivalries. Instead, they'd stuck up for one another, never letting the other feel alone or sad for too long— never letting the other fall.

Throughout school Chris had been the popular one,  
—the captain of the football team, the homecoming king, the local town hero— while his twin sister was the black sheep— the social outcast with tattoos and piercings who’d found herself in the principal's office more times than he could count. However, they neither one regarded each other as anything other than a best friend— a near soulmate. It was this special bond that always had Chris interjecting when a disagreement or fight would erupt between the two most hard-headed people in his family, always standing up for Ashlyn whatever the case might have been. He knew his father's blame was needed; their mother and the love of his life had been taken from him, and he surmised that it had and would still hurt an awful lot. But his blame was just misplaced and Chris would always fight like hell to keep his sister from bearing the brunt of it, even if he regrettably failed from time to time.

"Are you scared?" Ashlyn's soft voice cut through the silence as she fished the last of her smokes from her pack, lighting it immediately, the smoke joining that of her brother’s and swirling up into the atmosphere.

"I feel like I should be, but I'm not," he answered with vulnerable honesty as he took a burning drag once more, his lungs not nearly as used to the sensation as they once were years ago. "I guess I'm just excited for this adventure, you know? I mean, our whole lives we've just been stuck in this little town and I guess I'm just ready for a change."

Ashlyn nodded before shyly admitting almost under her breath as her eyes glanced downward to study her boots, "I would be scared."

"Ash, you're a lot braver than you give yourself credit for," he argued as he stubbed out his half-smoked cigarette, unable to actually finish it completely. "I mean, look, you're putting yourself and your songs out there. I know how personal they are and how much they mean to you. That takes guts if you ask me."

"Hah, I don't have a choice," she huffed as her smoke blew out in a thick cloud in front of her, reflecting the light from the moon. "It's the only thing I've ever been even halfway decent at."

"That's a lie," Chris rebutted before adding with a smirk. "I've always found you to be quite good at being my sister." His smile nearly reached his ears as he glanced sideways at Ashlyn.

"Please Chris," Ashlyn argued as she lifted her cigarette to her lips, scoffing at the idea. "Our whole lives you've always been there protecting me. I've never done anything in return."

Shaking his head profusely as if he were debating that of the utmost importance, Chris offered with a firm voice, "That's not true and you know it. When that asshole Bobby McKey wanted to jump me in the parking lot during our junior high winter dance, who kneed him in the balls?"

Ashlyn only rolled her eyes before reluctantly answering through a knowing smile, "Me."

"And when Dad found his missing stack of Playboys in our room after weeks of searching for them, who took the blame?"

"Me," she replied again and quickly adding before Chris could continue, her finger pointed for emphasis, "BUT only because he assumed it was me. I just didn't argue. Nothing noble about keeping your mouth shut."

"Whatever," he said as his mind came up with all sorts of instances in which Ashlyn had very much been there for him during their ninteen years on Earth. "Who was it that woke up in the middle of the night and rode her bike all of the way to Johnson's curve to help me get Dad's truck out of the mud after I snuck out and stole the keys?"

"I should have just gone with you to begin with," Ashlyn shook her head, rolling her eyes at the memory as she stubbed her last butt out against the bottom of her boot. "He would have killed you had we not been able to get it out. Good thing he was passed out drunk…"

"You even helped me wash the mud off so that he would never know," Chris added to further his point as Ashlyn's head was still shaking, laughter beginning to accompany it.

"And all for Sherrie Baker…"

"Whatever Ash! You know you would have nailed her if you could have," Chris stated with pride for his conquest, his finger pointed right into Ashlyn's shoulder. "You only didn't go that night because you were jealous."

"I was so not jealous," she argued with raised eyebrows. "Besides, the real reason I didn't go was because…"

"You were mad I got her first…"

"No! I didn't go because… because I was with Jessica Baker in our tree house…" Ashlyn trailed off with a knowing smirk moments before Chris's fist collided with her shoulder in jest, a scoff leaving her brother’s lips. 

"Wasn't she the hotter one?" She asked with a sarcastic finger to her chin in contemplation as she remained unfazed by the hit, her lips curling upward in pride. "Hmm… I believe so… and a college girl."

"SHUT UP!" Chris finally managed to squeal out, running a hand over his beard. "You did not!"

"Call her up and ask her," Ashlyn challengingly shrugged with quiet confidence, knowing he would never have the balls to do so. "I wouldn't lie to you. I just never told you 'cause I didn't want you to feel bad."

"Whatever," he admonished with a shake of his head. "My point is that you've always been there for me in your own way, whether you think so or not."

"It's because you're all I have, Chris," she said softly without question, sincerity shining distinctly in her hazel orbs as she gazed up into her brother’s identical ones. "Yeah, there's Dad… but we both know how he feels about me." 

Her gaze then met her feet as she wondered what she could have done that caused him to despise her so much lately. She’d say it was because she was gay, but he had never seemed to care much about that or have anything really to say about it. 

"He's just dealing in his own way Ash," Chris offered as he looked out over the dark expanse of their property, illuminated solely by the moonlight. "He feels like he's losing me and he's scared of you leaving too. He's only trying to push you away to make it easier."

"I don't think that's it, but thanks for trying," she said bluntly and Chris smiled.

"You still gonna drive me tomorrow?" He asked after a moment of silence settled between them as they looked out into the black expanse of their property.

"Do I have a choice?" Ashlyn asked with a raised eyebrow. "Can't I just lock you in the closet until you're too old to join?"

Chris's uncontained, throaty laughter broke out as he made note of the less than subtle reference to the time when he had locked Ashlyn in the closet when they were fourteen to keep her from sneaking out for her first date with a girl, threatening much the same. Though it's quite amusing to think back on now, it was a very scary time for him to feel like Ashlyn was slipping away.

"Oh Ash," he chided with a smile, his head shaking in amusement. "You act like I'm never coming back. In three months is my graduation and I'll be back for a short while before deployment. We'll have a blast then. You can tell me about all of the girls you've… courted; and I'll tell you about all of the asses I've kicked. It'll be great!"

"Just do one thing for me, Chris," Ashlyn requested without elaboration, letting his curiosity hang in the air a moment.

"Yeah?"

"If you have a sexy drill sergeant," she continued as Chris rolled his eyes, knowing where her line of thinking was headed. "Don't play it safe."

"I'll try not to," he sarcastically answered with a chuckle as they once again fell into a comfortable silence. 

“You know what's funny?" He asked after several minutes of staring across the lawn, Ashlyn's gaze meeting the side of his face in anticipation. "It seems like only yesterday we were fourteen and sneaking up to the tree house to drink Dad's beers; and now here we are, nineteen and I'm joining the Army and you're playing your music. It just all goes by so fast doesn't it, Ash?"

"I'm gonna miss you," Chris heard his sister whisper through a reluctant sniffle, not being one to openly cry much. "I don't know what I'm gonna do here without you around to bail me out of trouble." 

They both laughed heartily at her statement before finding themselves in a tight, loving embrace, Chris’s large arms engulfing her as she buried her face in his chest to breathe him in once more.

"Oh, Ashy," Chris replied through his own tears, stroking his sister’s unruly hair and using a nickname he hadn't said aloud in at least three years or so. "You'll be okay. You're stronger than you know."

"What if I'm not?" Ashlyn's unsure voice uttered as they pulled out of their embrace, each of them wiping their eyes in a failed attempt at keeping their composure.

"Then I'll come back and go all commando on your ass and whip you into shape," he answered with a welcomed joke that had both sisters laughing with much needed lightheartedness.

"That'll be the day," Ashlyn rolled her eyes in question of her brother’s ability to in fact beat her at anything physical. Though he was much larger than her in stature, she matched him in competitiveness and tenacity, their wrestling matches being pretty well evenly matched. 

———————————————————————

The following morning saw Ashlyn driving her brother over two hours to the airport where he checked in with his recruitment officer, followed by the two of them walking to the waiting area outside of the terminal. It wasn't too long after when boarding began and the twins bid an emotional farewell before Ashlyn stuck around to see the plane take off with her brother and best friend aboard, heading in the opposite direction of where she was at that moment. It almost became too much to bear as the weight of her sudden loneliness crashed down upon her in waves and she found herself on her knees with tears streaming down her cheeks, wondering how she was going to get through the hardest time she’d ever been faced with. 

Never in her life had she thought it would be this hard to watch her brother leave— her heart had pounded and nearly escaped her chest as she watched the plane take off down the runway. Her eyes had filled with the largest of tears as her hands tightly gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles and her fingertips pressing firmly into her palms. Suddenly, their entire childhood flashed before her eyes— all of the times they'd been in trouble, all of the fun they'd had together, and all of the times they cried on each other's shoulders played at the speed of light through her mind like an old movie on a grainy screen and it left her feeling completely and utterly miserable. 

All her life, Chris had been there for her, making her laugh and feel loved and included— made her feel like she belonged. He was the only one who ever did so as certainly their father wasn't about to. Chris had been her rock, her savior, and the one person she could turn to and know that everything would be okay— the one person who kept her from trouble. Now, however, she would be left alone to her own devices and she shuddered at the possibility of what that could mean for her.


	2. Wake Up Call

_Ring_

_Ring_

_Ring_

She groggily stirred from her sleep, squinting through her heavy lids and glancing at the alarm clock in annoyance to see just what ungodly hour it was for her phone to be uncharacteristically ringing. Its red letters blared into her vision, almost blinding her momentarily before she reached across the expanse of her bed and retrieved her phone from the night stand next to her clock.

_1:47 AM_

It was entirely too late for anyone with half a mind to be calling her and she wanted nothing more than to give the caller a piece of hers, seeing as she had to be at work the next morning. Sighing, she reluctantly pressed the call button and quickly swallowed her anger before answering in a falsely cheerful voice, "Hello?"

 _"Mrs. Harris?"_

The person on the other end replied, a woman whom she immediately recognized as the friendly woman, Kat, from the dive bar on the other side of town. However, as good as it always was to hear her well-mannered voice, she slung her head in frustration as she knew what this call was going to be about.

"What did she do now?" She knowingly asked, cutting straight to the point. Standing from her bed, she reached over and flicked the light switch, illuminating the room in a soft, warm glow as she made her way to retrieve her pants from the floor, pulling them up and over her hips as she waited for the answer she knew would come.

_"I cut her off like thirty minutes ago, but she's since got herself into a bit of a brawl. Mikey and Will have her handcuffed to a chair in the back room. She's pretty banged up."_

"Ash…" She groaned out with a scrunched brow and tightly closed eyes, knowing just how bad this could've been for her. She brought her hand up to rub at the bridge of her nose in exhaustion, unsure of whether she was ready to deal with such a situation or leave it until the morning and let the woman suffer.

_"Don't worry though. I kept them from calling the cops and besides it was the other guys that started it this time."_

"Guys?" She asked in shock, before traipsing through the house to retrieve her keys and jacket from the living room. "You mean there was more than one?"

_"Yeah. She held her own for a while too... Before taking a bottle to the head. She'll probably need a good stitching up…"_

"Oooff," she winced, pulling her shirt down as she brought her hand to her head, running out of her front door, across the lawn and towards the neighbor's front porch. "I'll be right there. Thanks Kat."

_"No problem! But you better get here fast before those guys come back. I can't say I'll be inclined to hold her off them again. Bastards."_

"Alright. Thank you!" she said with a chuckle, her lips curling up into an amused smile as her hand rose to knock before hanging up the call.

It only took her three attempts before the door gave way to an older couple standing on the other side. A woman with short gray curls was clutching her robe tightly to her chest to ward off the threat of the cool wind while a tall lanky man with a mustache and glasses perched on his nose held tightly onto the doorknob— Mr. and Mrs. Lindquist, the kindest neighbors she could've ever asked for.

"Why Dear," the woman asked as she joined her on the front porch. "What are you doing outside at this hour?"

"I really hate to bother you both so late but," she wasted no time in apologizing before continuing with the reason she had awakened them in the first place. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind sitting at my house for a few minutes. I need to make a run across town."

"To pick up that no good Ashlyn I bet…" The man said with a disapproving nod, pushing his oversized glasses further up his nose. "Surely she can't afford to be causing any more trouble. Why, the last time she was at your house at this time of night…"

"Wilfred, that's enough," his wife interrupted with a light slap to the shoulder, in turn causing him to shrug and retreat back inside. 

“Well, it’s true,” he defended with conviction before he slackened his grip in the door and retreated back into the house. 

"I wouldn't mind at all, Dear." She could hear the kindness lacing each and every syllable as the woman smiled in genuine concern. "Let me just grab my shoes."

"Thank you so much Nanette," she graciously replied before handing over her spare house key. "I would walk you in, but I really need to go."

"Think nothing of it dear," Nanette insisted as she pulled the front door shut and they both walked towards the drive that separated their two properties. "Besides, that's what a good neighbor is for."

"Aw, well you're both the best I could have asked for," she stated lovingly as she climbed into the driver's seat of her car, starting the engine immediately. "Thanks again," she added as she pulled her door shut and Nanette just smiled in return, waving as she entered her house.

Twenty Minutes later saw her entering the local dive bar, known as the Foxy Den that staked its claim on the edge of the small town of Jasper right off the only major highway within fifty miles. As she walked through the double saloon style doors, heads turned in her direction and she continued on without making any sort of eye contact. It was no telling what kind of frequenters this place saw at this hour and she rolled her eyes as she thought of Ashlyn as being one of them. 

When was she ever going to grow up? 

Tucking her dark hair behind her ears, she ventured further towards the area of the bar where she saw a figure hunched over behind it, presumably grabbing something from the lower shelf. She waited a few long moments as she allowed the swift female bartender to finish whatever drink order she had begun. 

Sighing, she stood in front and waited for the woman to stand back upright before slightly yelling over the country music emanating from the dusty speakers, "I'm here; so where's she at?"

"Oh, hey there," The woman greeted in an abnormally cheerful tone. "Follow me. She's in the back."

She surmised that it was the only thing keeping her sane as she refilled the drinks of the local men who came in here looking for that kind of a good time. It must get old for her to be repeatedly hit on and propositioned as if she were a piece of meat to the rabbis dogs.

"Thanks, Kat," she replied with forced appreciation as she would much rather be at home and lost in her dreams.

Kat led her through another set of double doors, but in this case they reached their way down to the floor, sweeping the rug as they pivoted on their hinges. After walking through what seemed like the narrowest hallway she'd ever been in, one that might've even been unlevel, they came to stand just outside a door labeled “Employees Only”. With a swish of the contents in the pocket of her jeans and a jingle filling the air, Kat pulled a bundle of keys out and proceeded to fish through them for the one to the room that housed the reason for tonight's disturbance. With a turn of her wrist, the door popped open and they entered slowly, Kat looking toward Mikey while she prepared herself for the sight of Ashlyn handcuffed to a chair.

"It's about time someone showed up to get her," Mikey said in a joking manner. "I was half tempted to cut her loose again. Maybe she could help me chase out those good for nothing thugs that keep steeling all the cue balls."

She could only smile a soft one in gratitude as she glanced down to the hunched figure leaning forward with her short, brown hair in complete disarray, her left hand cuffed to the crossbar of the chair between her own two feet. It didn't look very comfortable and she wondered just how long a person could stay like that. She could hear her slow, heavy breathing as she was probably either attempting to keep her liquor down or asleep, her head hanging forward and bloody drool spilling from the side of her mouth into the floor. Her eyes traveled down the heavily tattooed sinewy arm until they reached a rather raw wrist, bound by the metal that contained her.

"You can let her go now guys," she said in a stern voice as Ashlyn's head suddenly glanced up, realization finally dawning that she had more company. "Hey Ash…" She could see the blood that was beginning to dry itself to the side of her face, accompanied by a bloodied nose and what would probably be a black eye tomorrow. "Or should I say Rocky?"

"Alliii…" she slurred through a half dazed smile as she stared up into disappointed whiskey-colored eyes. She could tell through her drunkenness that the woman was neither pleased nor at the very least alright with her current state. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh gee, Ash," Ali said with harsh tones. "Let me think for a minute…" She then proceeded to touch her finger to her chin. "Ummm… I certainly didn't come for the men or the food. What the hell went through your mind? Did you have a death wish?"

"They shouldn't have called you," Ashlyn regrettably said, sobering up quite quickly now that she had someone she cared for looking and speaking with a dissatisfied tone of voice.

"No," she momentarily agreed with a shake of her head. "They shouldn't have had a reason to!”

"I'm really sorry." Ashlyn’s hand was then released from its shackle as she brought it up to lightly rub with her other.

"Look," Ali shook her head as her eyes closed and she forced herself to remain calm. "I'm here now and you're obviously in no shape to drive your bike home… So, let's go. I left the girls with the neighbor lady."

Upon hearing just how much of a burden she'd become, Ashlyn fought the distinct pounding in her head to get her legs to function properly, slowly propelling herself to a standing position as they wobbled a bit in return. She swallowed the metallic taste of blood in her mouth as she brought her hands up to run slender fingers through her smooth hair, knowing just how dumb she'd been to fight back. Her eyes blinked a few times in pain before closing entirely to block out the swirling images around her which had only served to further her headache. Her unstable legs then began to give a bit as her body swayed to maintain its balance. Just as she was about to fall back into the chair, a strong arm jutted out to grab hold of her shoulder and steady her on her feet.

"My head feels like it was hit by a cement mixer…"

"I'm sure," Ali replied with a faint smile. She felt bad of course, but she couldn't help but feel like it was all deserved. You make dumb decisions, you should bear the consequences. "It doesn't look so good either." Turning to their audience of three, she then stated, "It's okay guys, I can take it from here. Thanks again for your help."

Kat winked in acknowledgement before ushering her bouncers from the room, Ali watching with gratitude as they retreated before turning her focus back to the taller woman with blood caked to her face.

"Let's get you to the sink over there," she said with concern, her voice taking on its instinctive motherly tone. "We need to rinse out your cuts and see that there's no glass in it." Though Ali was only a CNA by this point in her training, she knew well enough what to do in situations like that and cleansing the wound was first on the checklist. "Besides, I'm sure the cold water will sober you up a bit."

Ashlyn allowed herself to be pulled blindly from her spot in the middle of the break room to the small bathroom that sat adjacent to it. Her glossy eyes moved over the grimy walls as she found it troubling to focus on much in her current state, the alcohol causing her to feel rather lightheaded and fuzzy. In no time at all, soft hands smoothing her tousled hair in place on the top of her undercut and guided her head down to reach the water she could hear loudly spilling from the faucet. A low hiss left her lips as the icy cool water trickled its way into the various gashes on the side of her face, the blood slowly dissolving and fading from her skin.

"Hmm, you're quite lucky," Ali said in genuine observation as her eyes surveyed the tattered skin. "The bottle only managed to cut you in a few small places. I doubt stitches are even necessary."

"Can we please not tell Chris about this?" Ashlyn's gruff voice pleaded as her hands rubbed through her hair, soaking it in the cold water and relishing in the waning of her headache. The feeling of the water was truly helping and she was glad of it. "He'll be so pissed that you were dragged out here in the middle of the night to clean up my mess again."

Ignoring the request, Ali's face scrunched in confusion before she asked, "Why didn't they call Jessica to come get you?"

"That's kind of why I'm here," she replied flatly as her pale boney hand reached up to turn the cold knob back into the off position, thin fingers with a letter tattooed on each above the largest knuckles spelling out Live on one hand and Fast on the other. Ali could only shake her head as she thought of how Ashlyn was bearing the consequences of such a lifestyle. 

"She kicked me out earlier today. I guess you could say that I came here looking to get my ass kicked." Ashlyn replied as she sat back on the toilet and Ali handed her a towel, drying her face and streaking her hair back. "I wait four fucking years for her and I managed to screw it up in barely three weeks."

As the towel was dropped from her face, Ali noticed just how awful the woman before her looked with her baggy eyes, one with a bruise forming over it, and her sunken cheeks, probably the result of a beer and cigarette diet… and possibly other substances as well. Chris had warned her of Ashlyn's certain fondness for anything that could take her mind off of life. She surmised that it must be nice to forget for a while until you've sobered up to the point of looking like death. The whole left side of her face jutted out in a puffy, discolored mess of cuts as opposed to the right which she must've shielded during the fight.

"You almost look like Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever… It doesn't suit you," she gave a lame attempt at humor, knowing that neither of them would laugh very much in that moment. "Why do you do this to yourself? You're lucky they didn't call Sherriff Langley this time. Your probation officer would've surely heard about and you would've ended up right back in jail. Is that what you want? You've barely been out a month."

"Would it even matter?" Ashlyn snarked back as she thought of how pathetic her life was. 

"Of course it matters!" Ali tried ardently to maintain her cool and not raise her voice in that moment as Ashlyn sat unmoving in front of her, engaged in another self-pity party. "Look, Chris cannot keep bailing you out forever and I cannot keep getting up in the middle of the night to come pick you up at bars. Something's gotta give, Ash! I get that you feel like you're alone since Chris left again and since falling out with your Dad once more; but you do have people that care about you and you keep throwing it right back in our faces." She was trying with all of her might to keep from blowing a gasket at Ashlyn, as Chris would be completely upset if that were to happen, but it was as though Ashlyn was intentionally trying to burn all of her bridges, making it nearly impossible for anyone to stand on her side.

Standing up with a sigh and exponentially more sober now due to the rude awakening, Ashlyn made her way around Ali as she softly ignored the previous statement, muttering instead, "We better go. You need to get home to the girls."

"And where do you plan to go?" She asked with an air of skepticism. Surely Ashlyn didn't expect her to just let her waltz on out of the bar, grab her bike and leave. Chris would be heartbroken if something ever happened to his sister.

"Well… Josie's working tonight at the inn down the street. She might sneak me into a room for the night," Ashlyn replied hoarsely as she grabbed her leather jacket from the table of which Mikey had tossed it onto. She hastily flung it around her shoulders, covering her tattoo-sleeved arms, leaving only traces of ink showing around her wrists, hands, and on the sides of her neck.

Ali mentally rolled her eyes at the thought of Ashlyn spending thousands of dollars on them but not having enough money to actually rent the room, which in a small town such as theirs only rented for twenty-seven a night. She then guessed that she must have done various favors for them, quickly shaking her head and extinguishing her mind of the possibilities.

"You can stay with us tonight," Ali offered as they made their way out of the room and down the hallway, Ashlyn's boots thumping the whole way. She observed the taller woman and barely had time to let her eyes travel up from them to the ripped up pockets, a chain hanging from one side, before Ashlyn spoke again.

Glancing up from her work at the head of the bar, Kat watched as the two women made their way to the front door, offering only a small smile at Ali's mouthed 'Thank you.'

"I don't think Chris would like that very much," Ashlyn objected before adding with a sullen expression as they exited, making it a point to open and hold the door for Ali. "I know he loves me, but I don't think he'd want me around the girls like that. Not in this condition."

"Chris is not home right now and I'm only offering one night. Besides, as long as you’re gone before the girls wake up, no harm no foul," Ali maintained her stance as they reached her car, watching as Ashlyn glanced over towards her bike. "You can get it in the morning, Ash. Chris would kill me if I let you drive it right now."

Nodding reluctantly, Ashlyn relented and joined Ali inside the hatchback, sighing and glancing out the side window as they pulled away from the dingy bar.

————————————————————-

"So how long will he be gone this time?" Ashlyn soberly asked as she quietly closed the front door behind Mrs. Lindquist as the kind older woman left. Though she had received a less than pleasing look from Ali’s neighbor, she had just shrugged it off and returned inside.

"I'm hoping it's only for the six months they initially said," Ali answered as she flipped on the light beside the couch, turning around for a moment before crossing the room towards the hallway closet that housed the bedding she would need to get Ashlyn set up in the living room with. "But who knows? Last time it was four months longer than what they told him."

"Is it hard?" Ashlyn randomly asked in a husky voice barely above a whisper as she watched with rapt attention as Ali made up a place for her on the couch, smoothing and tucking the cool green sheets before fluffing two pillows.

"Is what hard?" Ali asked in confusion, not bothering to turn away from her task at hand.

"Being away from your husband for so long?" She clarified as she stripped her feet of her scuffed black boots, stretching and cracking her toes once they were freed.

Ashlyn watched as Ali momentarily glanced down to her hands, twirling the rings on her finger, her two plus Chris's band. She always kept it safely there every time Chris was away on active duty. Shrugging herself of her faraway thoughts, Ali then returned to work on fixing up a place for her sister-in-law to sleep.

"It used to be very hard," she answered as she turned and sat down on the newly dressed couch, signaling for Ashlyn to join her. "I used to cry a lot once he would leave, knowing it would be months before I'd see him again; but then it got easier as time went on, and especially after the girls came into the picture. I suddenly had somewhere else to focus my attention."

It was such a foreign concept for Ashlyn to wrap her mind around— the idea of being in love and longing for that person while they were away. She had never quite believed in such a thing, but she guessed it was because she had yet to be lucky enough to experience it herself. She guessed when she did, it would consume her and she would become a better person for it. Yes, she had loved Jessica Baker for a long time; it had hurt her enough when it ended for her to do what she had done that night; but she figured that if it was so easy for her to throw it all away then it must not have been the real deal to begin with.

"I thought you had to be at work early?" Ashlyn questioned as she sat down, wondering why Ali was seemingly okay with staying up for a chat.

"I'll call in," Ali simply shrugged with her answer. "You look like you could use some pancakes anyway."

"You don't have to do that."

"I don't mind," she said sincerely with a small smile. "Besides I don't think either of us is ready to turn in." She then looked away with a fraction of a frown on her lips, her mind running with thoughts of her big lonely house, save for three small beings. It was, however, the lack of adults that made her so willing to stay up with Ashlyn for even just the fewest of minutes for an adult conversation.

"Thanks, you know, for tonight," Ashlyn managed to force out shyly as she nervously played with her tongue ring. Being grateful and voicing it had to be one of her biggest weaknesses; that and her fondness for getting into trouble. Not that she really enjoyed that; it just always seemed to follow her around. "I always end up doing something stupid whenever Jes and I have a fight."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ali asked hesitantly, unsure if Ashlyn was the opening up type or not. She'd never really spent much alone time with the other Harris to know for sure.

"Nah, you know what…" Ashlyn shook her head as she closed her eyes in an attempt to just forget the night altogether. "I think that was our last one. She threw all of my clothes out into the lawn and then locked me out. Luckily for me it was only like two outfits, so it all fit in my saddlebags... Thanks for letting me stay tonight."

"Don't mention it," she replied with a stern shake of her head, laughing a bit as she mulled over Ashlyn’s explanation of the night’s events.

"But don't worry Ali; I'll be gone before they wake up."

"I was serious about the pancakes," Ali nudged her shoulder before continuing. "Besides I don't think that seeing their Aunt Ashlyn would be the worst thing that could happen to them."

"Nah, then you would just have to explain to them who I am and that would just be awkward," Ashlyn protested with a shaking head as she thought of how much she had lost and missed out on during her four year stay in the women's correctional facility. She'd completely missed the birth of the youngest one, but that didn't stop her from hanging onto the pictures that Chris had given her while she was locked away in there. Two photos now stayed in her wallet actually and she didn't miss a day without glancing at them in adoration, her fingers always making a habit to run over the well-worn creases.

"They know who you are, Ash," Ali smirked in amusement. "Chris has told them plenty about you… the good parts at least. Not so much the part about you holding up a convenient store with a water gun."

"Yeah, that was stupid…" she chastised herself in an almost a whisper— more for her own benefit than Ali's— as she glanced down at her hands in embarrassment, noticing the bruises forming along her knuckles.

"At least you recognize that now," Ali offered as she saw what Ashlyn had noticed, not having seen them before now. Her hands were bruising at the knuckles from all of the punches she had surely thrown earlier that night. "I better get you some ice for that."

"Nah, don't worry about it," she said as she caught Ali's arm, preventing her from moving towards the kitchen. "It's nothing they haven't been through before."

"Well, let me at least feel them to make sure nothing's broken," she said in a soft, caring tone as she grabbed Ashlyn's hand that had momentarily rested on her arm, moving her fingertips lightly across each knuckle, almost massaging the boney hand as she went.

Ashlyn watched with a hesitant breath as Ali's fingers glided across her skin, becoming increasingly uncomfortable— or perhaps too comfortable. She wasted no time in pulling her hand away and standing to her feet.

"Uhh… we should probably get some sleep now," she said while avoiding eye contact. "It's almost 3:30 in the morning.

"You're right," Ali offered as a deep yawn escaped her and she stood as well, making her way for the stairs. "If you need anything, feel free to make yourself at home."

"Thanks," she replied with a small closed mouth smile as she watched Ali retreat up the stairs, thinking to herself how Chris had gotten it right the first time, and here she was, still making stupid mistakes. 

How had their lives ended up so very differently when they had started out exactly the same?

———————————————————————-

"Is she dead?" A tiny voice whispered as large blue eyes widened.

"Looks like it…" Another, similar voice replied with a conclusive tone.

"Maybe we should poke her and see," the first voice suggested with borderline excitement. It wasn't often they had company, and surely never company with strange pictures all over their skin.

"I'm not poking her. Are you crazy?" The seemingly wiser one shrieked anxiously in a loud whisper before backing away momentarily, fearful of the stranger.

"Well how else will we know if she's dead or not?" A valid question if she'd ever asked one before in her young life.

"Uhh… maybe if we just check her eyes…" Her sister replied before bringing a small shaky hand up to nervously lift a darkened, cold eyelid.

Ashlyn had awakened moments before to hear their entire exchange and was at a loss of how to handle the situation exactly, deciding to just feign sleep and pray they just left. It wasn't every day that children were in her presence and she was a rookie at interacting with them to say the least. Instead, she remained unmoving as her eyelid was hesitantly raised, forcing her blurry vision to make out two small dark haired figures hunching over her curiously. Slowly, she rolled her exposed eyeball around to focus in on the one presently frozen in fear as the tiny hand remained on her eyelid.

"Boo," her deep, husky voice said calmly.

A shriek was echoed throughout the room as the hand immediately retreated and the twin girls took off running in the opposite direction, squealing in amusement and reminding Ashlyn of herself and Chris when they were that age, always curiously looking for an adventure. It brought a small smile to her face as she slowly adjusted herself into a sitting position on the couch, yawning and stretching herself awake. The pounding in her head immediately washed over her and she brought her hand up to rub at her temple, wincing when it connected with the swollen bruise outlining her left eye. She then remembered the events of last night and where she was exactly, her heart pounding in stark realization. 

Those were her nieces and she was in her brother’s house.

"Shit," she muttered quietly before scrambling to pull her boots on and adjusting the nest atop her head that had become of her hair, needing to make herself a bit more presentable in the clear light of day before she made a lame excuse to leave.

"Girls, you better not be bothering Aunt Ashlyn just yet," she heard Ali's voice ring out from the direction of the kitchen, suddenly noticing the scent of blueberry pancakes wafting through the air. "She probably doesn't feel too good."

"I know, Mommy," one of them replied before continuing enthusiastically. "We checked her eye and it looked at us!"

"Yeah," the other one added. "She said 'Boo'… that's why we ran back in here!"

"But she is alive, so we won't need to dig a hole in the yard," the wiser one maintained before Ashlyn noticed them both slowly peeking around the corner to look at her from their position in the hallway, trying their best to remain inconspicuous.

"You girls are something else," Ali laughed amusedly with a shake of her head as she flipped the pancake in the pan. "Ash? Are you okay in there?"

"That would be a big hole too, a lot bigger than Sheldon's," the slightly shorter one said to the other as they both smiled goofily before walking towards Ashlyn, who was still seated on the couch, momentarily frozen in awkwardness.

"Uhh… yeah, I… I'm fine… Head hurts a bit though," she answered loud enough for Ali to hear from in the kitchen as the girls came to stand in front of her.

"Just how big are you anyways?" The taller one questioned with squinted eyes, much in the manner of an interrogation, her hands perched menacingly on her hips.

"Big enough," Ashlyn replied stoically, arching her brow as the other bravely lifted her large right hand in two tiny ones. "Who's Sheldon?"

"Daddy’s dog that got hit by a car," she answered somberly as the shorter one looked over Ashlyn's arm in fascination, turning it around to see the inside as well as her eyes raked over the images of waves and words of her lower sleeve. Ashlyn almost felt like Gulliver. "He doesn't know yet. It only happened last week."

"What are all of these on your arms?" The fascinated one asked curiously as Ashlyn allowed her to examine them with close consideration.

"My artwork," she again answered with an even expression before allowing a hint of a smile to grace her lips. This was quite possibly the first time she had ever touched one of her nieces and it was sending warm fuzzy tingles up her arm and igniting every nerve. "So what are your names?" It wasn't like she didn't already know the twins' names; she just didn't know which was which.

"I'm Avery," the taller and tomboyish one said before proudly stating, "And I'm three minutes and twelve seconds older."

"And I'm Ella," the more innocent looking of the two answered before clarifying, "But my whole name is Ella Michelle Harris."

"Michelle huh?" Ashlyn asked, feeling her heart flutter as she heard of this, her voice cutting out. "That's my middle name too."

"I know," she said confidently. "Daddy says I'm named after you."

"I didn't know that…" She said softly as she glanced down at their still conjoined hands, completely at a loss for words to describe the feelings she was currently having. Someone had found her worthy of naming a child after… That was possibly the most profound experience of her life up to that point and she wasn’t sure how exactly to process it.

"What happened to your face?" Ella asked in a tiny shy voice, unsure of what to think of this stranger person called her aunt.

"I got in a fight," Ashlyn stoically replied in an unimpressed way before remembering who she was talking to and adding, "Uhh… not that you should get in fights or anything…"

"So why did you never come to see us before?" Avery's scrunched brows let on to the skepticism she was harboring for this supposed aunt of hers.

"Uh… I've been away…"

"Okay, I think that's enough questions for Ashlyn today," Ali's welcomed interruption came, saving Ashlyn from what would surely have been a stuttering slew of unintelligible words that would have been her desperate attempt at excusing her absence in their lives throughout the last four or so years. "Why don't the two of you go in and sit at the table and wait for Mommy to get your pancakes ready?"

"Okay…" Avery trailed off in a disappointed tone as the two of them retreated towards the kitchen in obedience. As she watched, Ashlyn could tell that they were two very mindful and well-mannered girls and Ali had certainly done an excellent job of raising them so far.

"I'm sorry," she apologized as she then handed Ashlyn a glass of water and two aspirin. "They're at that age where everything is suddenly up for questioning."

Gulping down the pills gladly, Ashlyn then shook her head before replying, "No, it's okay. I don't mind at all."

"Let me see your face," Ali said with concern as her gentle fingers slowly guided Ashlyn's chin to allow her a better view of the left side of her face, several small cuts accenting a rather bruised and swollen area. "We should probably get you some ice for that."

"Oh, no… It's okay I'm…"

"Really, it's not any trouble," she interrupted firmly before Ashlyn could further object, pulling her towards the kitchen by her arm. "I have an ice pack already prepared for you in the freezer. Let me just wrap it in a towel," she finished as they entered the kitchen to stop in front of the refrigerator. Ali's hand let go of Ashlyn's arm to grab the towel on the counter as her other opened the freezer door and retrieved the pack from within, wrapping it up as the door then closed.

"Here you go," she said warmly as she held the pack up to Ashlyn's battered face, allowing her to grab the pack herself.

"Thanks," Ashlyn said as the doorbell suddenly echoed throughout the house.

"I'll get it," Avery proclaimed as she tore off in the direction of the door, her brown curls bouncing wildly, eager to be able to do something very grown up. Ella only watched in curiosity as the minutes ticked by.

"Mommy," Avery's voice shouted back as Ali began to make her way towards the front door, rolling her eyes with a smile towards Ashlyn. "There's two guys here with uniforms like Daddy's…"

At that moment, both Ali and Ashlyn could feel their nerves flutter and sink into their stomachs as their hearts began to hammer away at their chest walls in anticipation as the possible reasons for this visit from the uniformed men ran through their minds. There really was only one, and they were both hoping against all logic that it would be anything else entirely.

Ashlyn slowly followed Ali from the kitchen, but paused to watch the exchange through the front bay window as the storm door closed, echoing through the foyer loudly as Ali addressed the two officers on the front porch. Their expressions were hardened and she knew in the very pit of her stomach that this visit was an unwelcomed one.

Suddenly, she felt two tiny hands grip onto her torn pant legs from either side as the three of them watched in curiosity, waiting for any sign that it was going to be okay. She could make out lips moving and time began to slow to an almost complete halt as her heart made its way into her head, pounding loudly and drowning out any and all sounds until she was left with the emptiest feeling in her chest. Her heart seemingly exploded inside of her as she saw Ali slump into the officer's chest, crying out in disbelief and clutching his uniform as if it were the only ounce of consolation she would ever be able to find.

A thumping sound broke her from her thoughts as she glanced down and realized that her hand had slackened its grip and automatically dropped the ice pack to the floor in front of her, landing with a corner propped up on her booted foot. Her mouth opened as the dryness seeped in, threatening to strangle the life from her; but she needed to speak, to say anything to the small beings that were scrunching their brows in confusion. The two girls had no idea of the heartbreak in front of them and what was causing their mother such distress. It took all of her might, but she finally managed to swallow the knot that had formed in her throat before kneeling down and turning them towards her.

Shakily, her voice made its way from her lips as she gripped their shoulders gently, forcing herself to remain calm and collected in front of them while uttering a small request, "Girls, why d—why don't you go upstairs and check on your baby sister? I'm sure she would love it if… if you sang her a song right now."

"But what about Mommy?" Avery asked in a protective manner, trying to turn her face back around towards her mother before Ashlyn stopped her.

"Who are those guys?" Shyness and worry seeped from Ella's lips in a whisper.

"Please," Ashlyn whispered sternly through gritted teeth without ever once blinking her eyes as her bottom jaw began to quiver in fear. "Just go upstairs now."

"Oh alright," Avery pouted in her usual disappointment before grabbing her sister's hand and pulling her along. "Come on Ella, this is grown up stuff."

Ashlyn then stood once more as her body began to tremble slightly, forcing her feet to move from their anchored position. She desperately needed to be on that porch at that moment, if only to be there for her sister-in-law. With one step and then two, she began inching her way closer to the front door as the trek felt like impossible miles, her clammy hands clenching in fists at her sides as she reached for the handle, turning and exiting the small foyer.

On the porch, Ali's guttural sobs registered as the first sounds she'd heard since her heart had started its rhythm in her ears. Tears wasted no time in forming in her eyes as she forced her throat to gulp down its nerves. Walking the few steps out the door, she leaned back against the railing as her heart sank into the pit of her stomach, the look on the unoccupied officer's face informing her of the severity of the situation. Without much thought at all and feeling desperate to shake herself of the emptiness she'd been consumed by, she opened her shaky mouth to ask a question that was completely unnecessary by that point.

"You have news of my brother?" Her voice cracked as the emotions built up within her, already knowing the impending answer but still holding onto to the small sliver of hope that it would all be okay.

"We're very sorry to inform you, Ms. Harris," he began as he edged his way closer to lay a comforting hand upon her shoulder. "But Staff Sgt. Chris Harris' bunker was struck with a hand grenade. I'm afraid we couldn't get to him in time."

Sighing out the breath she'd been holding since her voice uttered its last word, Ashlyn felt everything inside of her collapse as the news of the death of her only sibling— her best friend in the entire world— her protector— registered in her mind. From the corner of her eye she could see Ali collapse even further into the officer from the weight of the heartbreak that had landed itself unjustly in her life, her cries echoing across the porch and hitting Ashlyn full force, causing her knees to buckle and her composure to be lost.

"No…" she whispered, barely audible to anyone else as she leaned back against the railing, drawing her knees to her chin and clutching tightly at her hair, knowing that she was now alone in this world. Her brother, her lifelong savior and kindred spirit would never return to her. She would now be forced to move through this world unguided and alone, knowing there would be no one else to ever care as much for her and love her unconditionally. Everyone else despised her and saw her for what she was at heart, a bad seed. Chris had been the only one to ever truly look past it all and see into her very soul, loving her in spite of her flaws and never letting her forget it. 

The only person in this world that was ever on her side was gone.

Ali barely managed to compose herself enough to release the officer and nod them off, watching them leave as their apologies fell on deaf ears. Like Ashlyn, she immediately dropped to her knees as the pain was much too heavy to stand under, her hand coming up to muffle the sobs of unmitigated power and wipe at her endless tears.

The echo of a sob tore its way through Ashlyn's thoughts, breaking her from her trance as she registered just how much pain had been laced within it. It was then that she averted her eyes towards its source, having been unable to form any kind of emotion other than shock by that point. Her wide eyes gazed upon the broken woman across the porch from her, hunched over and clutching her stomach with messy brown hair spilling out from a loose bun. Tears were falling freely, crashing to the wooden floor as her breathing became erratic and strained. It was the look of pure and utter devastation; and she could feel her own heart shatter for her brother's family in that moment as suddenly something was much more important than her own grief. Ashlyn wasted no time in putting her own pain on the backburner and, for the first time in her life, putting someone else's needs ahead of her own.

She couldn't explain it if she tried; but something deep down inside of her shifted on its axis and forced her into action.

Quickly she crossed the porch on her hands and knees, desperately needing to console the broken woman before her. She had just received news of losing her brother; but Ali had lost her husband— the man she had intended to spend the rest of her life with— her soulmate and the father of her children. She reckoned that Ali's pain was running much deeper than hers at the moment and would hurt much greater in the long run. She was completely unsure of how she was even able to rationalize it all at a moment as hard as this, but it felt in her heart to be the right thing to do. She could cry and mourn her brother after she made sure that his family would be okay. It was the least she could do after all Chris had done for her. 

She would make it her prerogative to be there for them first and foremost.

In only a matter of mere seconds, Ashlyn's arms were sliding around the crouched woman, softly cradling her to her chest as her shaky hands smoothed over her dark hair, her mind searching for anything to do or say. But what was there to say? What could possibly make this moment hurt any less for her? She was so horrible at being there for anyone emotionally, always feeling as though she was defective in that regard. She'd never really had to. All of her life she had remained at an arm's length to people, never really allowing them to get close with the exception of Chris.

“He's…" Soft broken words left Ali’s lips as she shook in Ashlyn's surprisingly steady arms. "I… Chris…"

She could barely get her mind to form a coherent thought as her heart rate increased and her puffs of breath became ragged and shallow, her head spinning from dizziness as she averted her gaze from one spot to the next, completely unsure of what to think or say. All she could do was lean into the warm envelope Ashlyn had created for her.

"I know… I know…" Ashlyn softly muttered with equally jagged breaths in response as a lone tear fell from her eye, her hands running their paths down a trembling back, hoping to transfer any kind of strength she could muster. She clenched her jaw and steeled herself, needing to remain strong for this family in their time of hardship. Chris would want that of her. He would want her to make sure that Ali was okay, because to Chris, his wife and family was everything.

And Chris had been everything to Ashlyn.


	3. Breathing Underwater

Moments had passed that had seemed like hours and hours, each one longer than the last. She wasn't sure how long they had been sitting there on the hard porch floor with Ali curled into her and her long tattooed arms surrounding the woman tightly, rubbing smooth circles on her back. Her mind was still wrestling with the news, trying and fighting to understand and wrap itself around it. Her eyes stared blankly out into the yard, their gaze locked on nothing in particular. She could feel that her mouth had gone dry long before as her breaths came out raggedly now. All she could manage to do as she leaned back against the railing was think about her brother as so many memories from their childhood ran rampant through her mind, catapulting her back in time.

_"Come on Ashy," Chris's confident voice demanded as they sat in their tree house one late spring night. "Don't be such a wuss."_

_Ashlyn sat with the bottle inches from her lips contemplating whether or not she should go through with it. She could tell that the contents were warm by now, having snuck them up there hours before just after their dinner clean up once their father had retired to the couch for a night of wrestling on cable. Every week he would do so and be occupied for hours._

_"I don't know Chris," Ashlyn's unsure voice said as the smell from the bottle made her snarl in response. "It smells really gross."_

_"It's because it's strong," he persuasively explained before gesturing for Ashlyn to get on with it._

_Nodding, Ashlyn then let go and quickly downed a big gulp, coughing immediately at the burning sensation that spread down her esophagus._

_Laughing at the display, Chris said with a bit of amusement, "I didn't say to drink it all in one go. You have to take it gradually until you're used to it."_

_"That's disgusting!" She exclaimed as a bit of beer trickled down her chin, having been expelled from her mouth during her coughing fit. Her hand wasted no time in wiping herself free of it._

_"It's an acquired taste, a bit bitter at first but you get used to it," Chris stated simply as he took another swig, already half a bottle ahead of his twin._

_"You know if Dad finds out, we're grounded for life," Ashlyn offered before taking another drink, scowl firmly in place as she took it slower this time._

_"You and I are the only ones who know," he reasoned as he shrugged off the possibility. "So how would he? Besides, you know he prefers the hard stuff. He hardly ever drinks these; so I doubt he'll even notice the two gone. We'll put the empty ones in the back and by the time he gets to them in a week, we'll have thrown them away. He'll think he already drank them. You know he has a hard time keeping track of things."_

_"Yeah," Ashlyn wasted no time in agreeing as she swirled the contents around in the bottle. It was a habit she had developed with soda, always wanting it to go flat quickly because she hated the way the carbonation burned her throat. "He used to leave one of us every time we went to the grocery store."_

_"Yeah, he'd remember and when he'd go back inside searching for us, we'd be sitting by Mrs. Pullman who hated having to watch us," Chris reminisced as he easily downed another sip, not even feeling the burn anymore before laughing at the memory._

_"One time you guys even got clear home before he remembered me," She thought with a sad smile as she glanced down at her feet._

_"Yeah, we always liked messing with him so we never said anything," he added with a smile at the thought of their father always chasing them around._

_"I just hope he doesn't find out about this.” She gestured to her now half empty bottle. Taking another swig, she noticed how the burning had subsided and now she was left with only a strong bitter taste. It still made her grimace a bit though even if she’d gotten used to it._

_"Don't worry Ashy," Chris reassured as he downed the last bit of his beer. "It was my idea, so my fault." He knew that his father was always a bit harder on Ashlyn for whatever reason, so he had no qualms about taking the blame for stuff. Besides, his grades were in better shape at the moment so she could afford to get on their father’s bad side a bit if necessary._

_"You don't have to," She argued with a shake of her head. "I'm sitting here right beside you drinking them, aren't I?"_

_"Yeah, but you know Dad," Chris left the statement open as they neither one really discussed how he was towards Ashlyn._

_"I know," Ashlyn nodded as she looked down once more._

_"Anyway, it doesn't matter because he will never notice that we took them," he said with a proud gleam in his eye, thinking of his master plan. "I mean look, we've had those playboys for weeks now."_

_"Yeah," she agreed with a chuckle. "I guess so."_

_A moment of silence fell upon them as Ashlyn took another gulp of her drink, feeling much more comfortable with the taste now. She thought over all they had been through and wondered why Chris always took the fall when he didn't have to._

_"Why do you always stick up for me, Chris?" She asked as her brown eyes sparkled in genuine interest._

_"You're my sister," Chris replied simply as he tossed his bottle to the side, the glass clinking against the wood. "I always will."_

Having burned most of her bridges, she knew that no one would be there to stick up for her now. The only person who ever saw past all of her bullshit was now lost to her forever, leaving her without a safely net. Tears brimmed her eyes just waiting to spill out as she continued to stare out across the front lawn. She had many memories like that one and she allowed her eyes to close and momentarily savor them each for the briefest of moments, knowing that there would be no more to make. Her brother was gone now; and though she couldn't quite believe it, she knew that eventually it would take its toll on her.

She just wouldn’t let it be any time soon. 

A soft breath puffed against her neck and she averted her eyes downward to notice that Ali had cried herself to sleep by that point, her forehead resting against Ashlyn's cheek and her hands firmly clutching at her strong arms. Ashlyn was never really good at comforting someone, but she figured she must've done something right for Ali to have felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in her arms.

She could feel her heart break instantly as she thought that no matter how hard she tried, she could never be what her brother was to anyone. Not Ali, not the girls, not her father… and certainly not the town in general. Chris was a well touted hero around these parts and he cast a mighty big shadow, one which Ashlyn never really minded being in. She only figured that it took the focus off of her; and for a while that was true. She had been able to fly under the radar and get herself mixed up in a lot of stupid things— the police being all too familiar with her and the rap sheet growing. However, now she knew that she couldn't afford to get in more trouble. Not only was she on probation and needed to keep a clean sheet for the next two years, but now she had bigger responsibilities than she’d ever had before. Realization suddenly dawned on her that, for the first time in her life, she was needed. Chris's family needed her and she would make damn certain she was there.

"Aunt Ashy?" Avery's brave little voice broke through her thoughts as she abruptly turned her head in surprise at the sudden sound, the use of her familiar nickname sending chills down her spine. No one but her brother had ever called her that before, and it had been a while since then.

"What's wrong with Mommy?" Ella's soft voice asked from her hesitant position behind her sister, her eyes scrunching in confusion.

"Umm…" Ashlyn's husky voice nervously began as her mind searched for a possible explanation, knowing that she was in no position to tell them the truth at that moment. "She's just tired; that's all. Wanna help me get her into bed?"

The two nodded their heads, happy to help their Mommy in any way as they moved closer to the two adults on the porch floor.

In one swift motion, Ashlyn adjusted Ali more comfortably and stood to her feet, having only struggled a tiny bit at first. She was stout and glad for it as she stood cradling Ali to her and towering over the two girls.

"You're really strong," Avery observed with rapt fascination as she noticed her aunt pick her Mommy up with no trouble at all. Even their Mommy had trouble sometimes picking them up; but she could tell that Ashlyn was taller than her Mommy, so she must be stronger too.

"You're tall too," Ella added with the sweetest of smiles.

Ashlyn only managed a small smile in return as she shifted Ali to get a firmer grasp. Gesturing for the screen door, she then asked, "Ella, will you open the door for us?"

Ella nodded with a proud smile, happy at having been the one chosen to help. She wasted no time in bounding over to the front door and exclaiming, "Yeah, sure!"

"Shh, ding dong! We have to be quiet," Avery chided before pointing at their sleeping mother. "You'll wake Mommy up."

Once Ella had managed to open the door, Ashlyn softly crossed the porch, mindful of her boots hitting the hardwood floor and careful to make it not echo as much. She could feel her heart beat faster at the possibility of waking Ali and dealing with that, knowing it would be much better for her if she slept for a while. As she entered the foyer, she was also careful not to bang her sister-in-law against the door frame, maneuvering her in sideways and pivoting around so as to spin agilly through the doorway.

"You wanna make sure the bed is ready?" She asked in a suggesting manner while the two girls once again nodded. She was glad that they were such well-mannered and well-minding girls otherwise this whole thing could prove to be a much harder challenge for her.

The two padded their way across the hardwood floors, their sock feet slipping a bit in their haste as they rounded the corner and made the trek up the stairs. Ashlyn could hear each and every footstep, but she didn't think it would be enough to wake Ali. They were quite small and their socks managed to lessen the sounds for the most part.

Her own feet then propelled the two of them in the direction of the stairs, crossing the living room and down the hall adjacent to the kitchen. Once there, she proceeded in taking them one at time as her long legs were having no trouble at all as she glided them along up the stairs. She was glad for the carpet on the stairs and, once at the top, she noticed that it carried on through the second floor. Surely her boots would have been quite loud without it.

As she came to a stop at the top step, unsure of which room was the master, the twins suddenly appeared at the end of the hallway and quickly approached her.

"We pulled the covers down Aunt Ashy," Ella proudly confessed as they looked at her for further instruction.

"Is it the last room?" She asked them, gesturing in the direction of what she guessed was the master, having never really had a tour of her brother’s house.

"Yeah, follow me," Avery demanded as her hand waved them on in the right direction. She had decided to take the lead and was becoming quite comfortable around their strange aunt.

Ashlyn nodded as she followed suit behind the two girls, watching fondly as their brown curls bounced with each step. She briefly wondered where their curly hair had come from as both of their parents had relatively straight hair. She then reasoned it had to have been from Ali’s side of the family somewhere. 

As they made their way down the hall, her eyes caught several photos staring back that were framed and hanging, spread out in a proud display. In each one you could see just how happy the little family was, smiling and carrying on with laughter and love. In several, Chris stared back lovingly to the photographer, which Ashlyn guessed had to have been Ali, as he proudly played with his daughters. There was a certain gleam in her brother’s eyes in each shot and it occurred to her just how much he had enjoyed his life and loved his family. 

What had they done to deserve any of this?

Tears once again formed in her eyes as she lacked the strength to hold them back, allowing one to trickle down and land on her cheek. She wasted no time in wiping it off with her shoulder as she fought to maintain her composure and not awaken Ali. She could and would not allow herself to fall apart at the seams; there was too much relying on her at the moment and she needed to stay strong for them all.

Once inside the master bedroom, she took notice of just how warm and cozy it was. More pictures were displayed on the walls but mostly of the girls alone, some of them as babies crying and others of them at birthdays and Christmas. At the head of the bed on the wall was a large photo of a very pregnant belly with two large sets of hands resting upon it. She quickly averted her gaze as the longer she looked, the more she would feel like crumbling.

Walking around to one side of the bed, a side she hoped was Ali's, she carefully and slowly set the sleeping woman down on her side, cradling her head as her fingers lost themselves in brunette locks. Gently, she pulled the hair tie from her hair as she rested her head against the soft downy pillow and extracted her fingers with care. The entire time, her hands remained steady and gentle so as to not wake her. Surely nothing good could come from that, Ashlyn thought. It was best to let her sleep for a while and deal with the mess of her life later once she’d had time to allow the initial shock and sharpness of the pain to wear off. 

Ashlyn had never really been a good friend to anyone, so caring for a person in this manner was a completely new experience for her. Usually, she just used people for all she needed and when they needed her, she just checked out and pawned them off on someone else. Thinking back on this, she shook her head with anger towards herself, knowing how selfish of person she'd always been. But with Chris gone now, she needed to be something different entirely, for at the very least to be able to be someone her brother could be proud of.

Pushing her thoughts back, she reached her slender hands down to begin untying Ali's white Nikes. She guessed it would be much more comfortable for her without the confines of her shoes, and her hands made quick work of the double knots her sister-in-law clearly pulled tight. Slowly, she worked the laces loose one by one until she had the shoes open enough to remove them with ease. One and then the other slipped free from her small feet as she then discarded them softly to the floor beside the bed, careful not to make too much noise.

The twins watched in curiosity from the foot of the bed as their aunt slowly began to tuck their mother's feet in, pulling the blanket up slowly across her legs and then body. They could tell from the look on Ashlyn's face to the tear-stained cheeks of their Mommy that something just wasn't right. Something bad must’ve happened and it worried them both in their tiny little hearts. 

"Is Mommy sick?" Ella asked in a whisper of concern, her chubby face contorting in worry.

Ashlyn's head shot up from her task at hand, her hazel eyes meeting two sets of worried blue ones to notice the two girls staring at her in desperate need of answers, their faces peeking over the foot board as they watched. Her heart began to beat faster again as she realized that she was at a loss as to how she should deal with the situation. She knew without a doubt that she couldn't and shouldn't be the one to tell them the news of their father. That was something that they would need Ali to tell them as surely she would be able to find the right words to say and give them the right kind of comfort as their hearts broke. 

"Umm…" Her nervous voice uttered softly as her mind searched for any possible thing to say.

However, just as she was about to string some sort of statement together, a baby's shrill cry echoed throughout the upstairs. She released a sigh of gratitude at the welcomed interruption before a look of pure horror covered her features, her face draining its color and her lips going completely dry. It was then that she remembered that there was another child, a much smaller and less independent one that clearly needed some attention in that moment. Never in her life had she been in contact with a baby, always refusing to hold the ones her friends had over the years; and yet in that instance she knew that she would be forced to care for the little one once she was done with caring for Ali. Looking to the twins for any signs of reassurance, she had no need to ask them before Avery spoke up much to her relief. 

"Don't worry; we'll go check on her," she whispered as she gestured for her sister to follow. "Come on Ella."

"Thanks," Ashlyn whispered back with a rather scared expression still marring her features.

Turning back to the task at hand, she continued to pull covers up slowly as she pooled them around her shoulders, wanting to be sure that Ali would be warm enough. As she tucked the blankets, she glanced upon her sister-in-law as she stirred for a moment, causing Ashlyn to freeze with her heart pounding in anticipation. 

Was she going to wake up and see her standing there? 

Would she be angry with her for being in her bedroom?

Her entire body went rigid, as stiff as the boards that had built the house as she remained unmoving, praying for Ali to remain asleep. Her hands stilled their movements as her eyes closed and her breathing halted. She could almost hear a pin drop at how quiet the room became as she wished for the courage to open her eyes and brave the possibility that Ali had woken up. She was fearful that once she did, disappointed brown eyes would be staring back at her. 

Eyes that she would not be ready to face.

"Chris?" Ali's groggy voice whispered out softly as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, her eyes remaining closed as she was still held captive by her slumber.

Hesitantly Ashlyn opened one eye, noticing with relief that Ali seemingly hadn't woken up. Instead the sleeping woman had only grasped one of her hands and pulled her closer in an attempt to cuddle up to her. This act caught Ashlyn completely off guard as her eyes widened in horror and she was pulled in, soft fingers gripping her rougher palm as their tips brushed over the back of her hand in lazy circles. A moment or so passed as she searched her mind for a way out of this without waking the poor woman and dealing with whatever she would think of the situation.

"Shh, go back to sleep," Ashlyn whispered as she awkwardly attempted to keep her distance and made her voice sound as deep as she could.

Satisfied with hearing a voice much like her husband’s, Ali then murmured a sigh of contentment before slackening her grip and drifting off deeper once more.

With a sigh of relief, Ashlyn extracted herself from the sleeping woman and immediately bolted upright to a more comfortable distance, swallowing in relief as she managed to dodge a bullet just then. With one last look over Ali's sleeping form, she reasoned that she had done the best she could have to make her as comfortable as possible. Nodding sullenly, she turned to exit the room only to be surprised by the eerily quiet watchers she noticed standing in the doorway. Her eyebrows scrunched in confusion as she wondered just what the mysterious look on their small faces meant.

"Katy-bug made a mess in her diaper," Ella was uncharacteristically the first to speak up, cutting straight to the point.

"Yeah, and it smells awful," Avery then added with a dramatic wave of her tiny hand in front of her snarled nose, chuckling as she watched her aunt's dark eyes widen.

"Right," Ashlyn said deeply as her eyes closed in disappointment, pursing her lips into a thin line. "So that means I have to change it huh?" Ashlyn's head immediately hung down as she sighed, trying to gather up the courage to accomplish the next task she had been given.

They only nodded with their wide blue eyes looking at her with the blankest of expressions.

"You are the adult," Avery said as a matter of fact as her attitude made itself known.

With a reluctant smile, Ashlyn nodded her head and decided to just go with it, ready to get the task over with as soon as possible. 

"So uhh… where’s she at?" She questioned with a nervous scratch to her head as she made her way towards the door, exiting into the hallway and softly pulling the door shut behind her.

"Her room is this way," Avery directed as the two of them began the march down the hallway and back towards the stairs.

Ashlyn paused for a moment and watched as they turned right and entered the room nearest to the stairs. She closed her eyes to mentally prepare herself for the task before allowing her feet to move in the intended direction. After a few steps, her eyes opened and she resumed her breathing, her hands clenched in nervous fists at her sides white-knuckling to the point of numbness. As she made her way closer to the door, she turned her head to the left, regretting it the moment her eyes landed on another photo.

In this one, her smiling brother was pictured with his arms extended into the air, laughing or about to laugh as he held a tiny baby in his arms, seemingly twirling her around in circles. The baby's face was a look of pure astonishment as her wide eyes focused on those of her father's. Ashlyn guessed that they were enjoying a warm and sunny day at the park in that photo, the family spending precious time together like they probably did during the few times Chris was able to be home. Her eyes traveled down her brother’s body to catch sight of the twins laughing and carrying on at his feet, both of them looking up at their baby sister, the sunlight beautifully illuminating their features.

She felt stinging tears build up once again as they made their way past her eyelids, having been unable to stop them that time. She quickly averted her glassy eyes to the ceiling to prevent further ones from betraying her, shaky hands rising to wipe her cheeks free of the moisture before the tiny blue eyes had a chance to notice. Her eyes blinked back the tears that threatened to fall as she wished with all that she had that she could give the family that day back— that she could transport them to a much happier and complete moment in time where nothing existed to hurt them. Closing her eyes, she sent up a silent prayer for the strength to hold it together, not really sure if she even believed in God but thinking that anything helped. Her brows scrunched tightly as she took a moment to calm her emotions before she continued on.

Upon opening her eyes, she turned back to the photograph and with a firm jaw, she muttered somberly but with determination, “I’m trying so hard, Chris. I promise you that."

Her fingertips brushed the photo; and without another moment's thought, she made her way to the doorway, turning the knob and holding her breath once more. Upon entering, she paused as her eyes took in the pastel color scheme, soft greens and blues mixing with yellows and reds. She could tell that the room would work for either gender; but the accessories were decked out in faint purples and pinks, fitting for the little girl that took up residence in there. Her eyes then landed on the beautiful mobile that hung from the ceiling. She could tell it had been handcrafted, made of hand-blown stained glass that reflected a vast array of color as light passed through it. She thought of how enchanting it must be to look up and see so many colors swirling around the room. But as she stared wondrously at the object, a sudden outburst of cries broke her from her thoughts and prompted her to look down. It was then that her widened hazel eyes landed on the honey chestnut crib that was flanked by the twins staring at her in curiosity.

"She's a loud one ain't she?" Avery said with a snarky smile.

"Isn't she… you know Mommy says that ain't isn't a word," sweet Ella corrected as she looked at her smirking sister.

"Means the same to me," she replied with a defiant shrug as she turned to approach her aunt, crossing the floor to stand in front of her. "Come on," she sighed as she took Ashlyn's big hand in her small one and pulled her towards the source of the cries.

Ashlyn relented and allowed herself to be directed as she figured she wouldn't have the courage to move on her own. The closer she came to the baby, the faster her heart beat and the shakier her hands became. She could feel her breaths coming in shallow pants, so she began inhaling deeper and slower to calm her nerves. Once Avery let go of her hand, she noticed that she was standing directly in front of the crib and she moved her eyes down to take in the disgruntled form of her youngest niece.

Little Katy was a mess of blankets and flailing limbs as she cried, her tiny face contorted in discomfort and reddening by the second.

Ashlyn steeled herself to ward off her nerves as her shaky hands began clenching and unclenching in tight fists as they hung at her side. Mentally, she cheered herself on and forced her arms to slowly rise. Trying several times to bring them closer to the baby, she found herself pulling back hesitantly a few times in fear of being too harmful. With a deep breath, she clenched her jaw and abruptly thrust her hands into the crib, shocking little Katy into silence. Once she was confident that she had a firm grasp of the baby, she began to slowly raise her up and out, allowing her muscles to adjust to the weight of the tiny form. She watched with wide eyes as chubby legs curled up and small fists moved about. This was a day of many firsts for her— her first conversations with her nieces, the first time she'd taken care of anyone, and now the first time she'd held a baby. To say that she was frightened was an understatement and it was made obvious by her less than confident expression, jaw slightly open and eyes wide and unblinking. Once she had little Katy out of the crib and at eye level, she held her at arm's length with her elbows straight as she made eye contact with the tiniest blue eyes she'd ever seen in her life.

Or they were tiny, until Katy's eyes widened in curiosity and surprise as she took in the appearance of the strange person who was holding her up so high, a person she’d never seen before. She wasn't sure what to think about it as usually she was held much closer and by someone with longer hair. It was enough to cause her to freeze all motion as her tears stopped abruptly.

Seeing the almost frightened look on the baby's face caused Ashlyn to freeze as well, her heart skipping a beat in fear that she had messed up somehow. 

Had she hurt her?

Standing beside them, Avery reached her little hand up to wave at her sister, smiling and saying in a soft voice, "Hey there Katy-bug. This is Aunt Ashy. She stayed with us last night."

"So…" Ashlyn began without ever taking her eyes off of the baby's, unsure really of what she was supposed to do next as the baby dangled several feet in the air. "I just… set her on that table thingy over there?"

Ella shrugged before answering, "If you want to. Mommy never uses it though."

Slowly, almost robotically, Ashlyn turned without ever bending her elbows, keeping the baby suspended in the air as far away from her as possible and moving in the direction of the changing table. The twins scurried out of her way and each grabbed a stool that was there especially for them to be able to see into the crib. After only about three steps, Ashlyn paused in front of the changing table on the wall adjacent to the crib and again continued to hold the baby high above.

"Okay, umm…" She said mostly to herself as she began to slowly lower the baby towards the surface of the changing table, pausing a mere inch or so above it with the baby's feet barely making contact.

"You never done this before have you?" Avery asked as she climbed up on her stool to stand to the left of Ashlyn.

"Never," Ashlyn sighed out nervously, barely above a deep whisper with her eyes still not leaving the tiny baby— still not blinking. It was as though she felt that if she broke eye contact, then it would all go downhill from there and the thought terrified her.

"Well, Daddy says to always cradle the head," Ella offered as she pulled her stool around to the right of Ashlyn, climbing up on it and ready to help. As she noticed Ashlyn not moving, she made eye contact with her twin and they both gave a look of understanding that said they knew their help would actually be needed this time.

"Ok, so…" Ashlyn said as she gently set the baby down on her bottom, still keeping her hands firmly under tiny arms.

Katy only wiggled a bit at first, instinctually trying to sit up on her own even though she didn't have to with her eyes widening even more as her forehead scrunched. Grunting, she then stuck her tongue out as she blew tiny bubbles.

Carefully, Ashlyn then shifted her big hands around to the back of her head and eased her backwards onto the small pillow that was waiting to be used. Her long fingers brushed the soft tiny hairs at the crown of her head, taking a moment to relish the silky feel of them. Once she was confident that the baby was securely in place, she proceeded to pull her hands from underneath, popping her fingers nervously as she moved them towards the snaps on the onesie. Hesitantly and as though it would burn her, she reached her thumb and pointer finger down to the first snap and just barely latched on, popping it free. Four more pops followed as she undid the bottom and peeled it away from the baby, exposing the diaper. However, once she had done so, the smell from within wafted up to her nostrils causing her stomach to turn and her anxiety to increase.

"I told you it was smelly," Avery giggled as she saw her aunt grimace, scrunching her face in anguish.

Ignoring the comment and trying to ignore the smell, Ashlyn then turned the top part of the onesie up to expose a tiny little belly, her fingers moving to the edge of the diaper and grasping each side firmly. With a sudden jerk, the baby slid closer to her with wider eyes and an expression of shock as Ashlyn failed to succeed in pulling the diaper off.

"Silly," Ella managed to say through an amused chuckle. "You have to pull the flaps first." And so she demonstrated, pulling the left flap loose as Avery pulled the right.

Ashlyn watched in horror as the diaper sprang open, her eyes widening as they fell upon the gooey green contents. Never in her life had she seen such an atrocity. In that instant, she felt the ill sensation in her stomach multiply exponentially as her head started to spin. Small white dots appeared in front of her face, masking everything she could see. As her mouth became increasingly dry, she took a much needed step back before falling to the floor in an unconscious heap.

Having only been out for a few minutes, she awoke to a tiny finger poking her cheek on the uninjured side of her face. Her eyelids fluttered several times before gradually opening as she took in the haziness all around her. There, hovering above her was a head of brown curls with a look of pure shock.

"Are you sick too?" Avery wasted no time in asking as Ashlyn laid sprawled on the floor with heavy eyes and pale skin.

"I just… need a minute," She barely muttered out as she fought for the strength to sit upright, accomplishing it but not without difficulty. She slowly raised her shaky hand to wipe at the moisture that had accumulated on her brow, blinking her eyes to rid them of the fog.

"Maybe we should get Mommy," Ella suggested in a rather worried voice as she remained standing upon her stool in careful watch over her baby sister, making sure she didn't have the chance to fall to the floor with their aunt.

"No!" Ashlyn exclaimed quite loudly as she sprang to her feet, suddenly remembering why she was on the floor and what she had to do. Waking Ali was not an option; but she was obviously not cut out for the job either. Glancing down to Avery, she noticed the almost scared expression as she realized that she had just yelled. "Sorry… I mean… Your Mommy needs her rest right now."

They nodded as Ella's attention turned back to Katy who was still squirming in discomfort at still having the soiled diaper attached to her.

"What are you gonna do Aunt Ashy?" Ella asked as she tried to calm her baby sister, offering her tiny hand to even tinier ones which latched on immediately.

"Umm…"

That was a good question. Ashlyn furrowed her brows in thought, searching for any possible solution as she remained a safe distance away from the rather toxic diaper. What was she going to do? She'd never been in a situation even remotely close to this one before. If it were any other family or anyone else, she would've just bailed in classic Ashlyn Harris fashion; but as it stood, these were her brother’s children and she couldn't abandon them even if she'd wanted to. Looking up from her point of focus on the floor, she glanced to the two girls.

"You okay here for a minute?"

They nodded in unison as Avery climbed back onto her stool to help her sister out with the baby watch.

"Good. I'm just gonna go… call a friend," Ashlyn nodded back as her face turned to a look of complete uncertainty. As she retreated to exit the room, she paused in the doorway to glance back, adding with pleading eyes, "Don't move." Her hands came up to motion for them to stay put as she then turned and rushed down the hall and down the stairs, panic settling itself in her stomach.

Back in the bedroom, baby Katy lay sprawled on the changing table as Avery and Ella gave one another a look of bewilderment.

"She sure is a strange adult," Avery said with a small smirk to which Ella only nodded in agreement.

Emerging from the house in a fury of panic, Ashlyn wasted no time in frantically pacing back and forth on the front porch, her mind endlessly searching for any possible solution to their current predicament. Her boots with their thumping against the hardwood had gone almost unheard by her as she was all too preoccupied with her own doubts and fears seeping in, daring her to run away. Maybe she wasn't cut out for this sort of thing after all. Helping Ali was one thing, but three little ones that needed much more than she had ever known how to provide was in a whole other ballpark, and she was almost certain she would screw it up at any moment.

"Fuck…" she half whispered to herself as she brought her hands up to clutch at her hair, white-knuckling as her mind began spinning with all sorts of reasons why she was certainly the last person they needed right now.

Run away now, Ashlyn.

It repeated on a loop in her head.

She could barely keep herself upright and taken care of on most days; and the ones where she did were absolute miracles to say the least. She had always been a train wreck and now was no exception. What made her think that she would be any different today?

Of course she needed to call someone and right away, but whom? She had no numbers. She had no friends and it was making her absolutely sick to think that poor little Katy needed something that she was just too domestically retarded to provide, nurturing and care. She had momentarily felt a flash of confidence that she could handle this situation and let Ali have time to rest up before she would be painfully thrust into the awful situation of dealing with the aftermath. However, this whole thing was something Ashlyn herself had never had any practice with.

Suddenly it occurred to her that just last night Ali's neighbor lady had been over to watch the girls while she had driven to pick her up.

Stopping in her tracks and approaching the side banister, she quickly turned her head to the right and glanced in the direction of their house at almost the same exact moment that their car had begun to back out of the driveway. Her heart immediately sank as she saw the only option she'd been able to conjure gearing up to leave her grasp.

Without wasting a moment, her hands clutched at the railing and she catapulted herself over, landing with ease on the grass below, her throbbing feet making quick work to move her towards them and ignoring her knees’ cries of pain. It had been a pretty far drop, nearly six feet.

As she rounded the side of the house to head in their direction, she saw them momentarily stop and acknowledge her for a mere moment; but just before she could thrust her hand upward to wave to them, her right boot stubbed itself against a surfaced root from the large oak that stood prominently in the Harris' front yard with its tire swing hanging proudly from a high branch. It was almost immediately afterwards that her face planted itself in the grass and the car drove off, leaving her to think of something else.

"Dammit!" She exclaimed, pounding the ground with her right fist as she pushed herself up with only her pride injured and her solution gone. "Goddammit!"

She stood back to her feet and turned back towards her brother's house, as angry as could be and swiftly kicking the root as she went. Her only hope at someone helping her with the baby had been dashed away almost as soon as she’d discovered it. 

What the hell was she to do now?

"Fuck," she said a bit loudly as her jaw clenched in anger and she rounded the porch, reaching the front steps and taking them two at a time as she wiped her pants and hands of loose grass and dirt. It was then she glanced up, seeing Avery standing in the doorway, storm door ajar as she came to stand in front of her.

"Are you okay, Aunt Ashy?" Avery asked with wide eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she barely answered back, her frustration sticking to each word.

"You said 'fuck'," she then added in a whisper with a slack jaw, knowing her Daddy only says that when something really bad happens.

Ashlyn's eyes widened that moment as she feared she had let the child in on a new, rather naughty word. "Yeah, um…"

"It's okay," Avery smiled. "I won't tell. Mommy hates that word, especially when Daddy uses it." She giggled and Ashlyn's heart rate slowed.

"Well, I was angry," she reasoned as they both entered the house, the echo of the storm door slamming behind them.

Ashlyn then stopped for a minute to gather her thoughts and figure this all out, her hand coming up to scratch in contemplation at the crown of her head. Surely there was someone she could call for help. She wasn't sure attempting it again herself was the best idea considered it had rendered her unconscious the last time. Her eyes glanced around without really focusing on anything in particular, only to search her mind and it wasn't but a moment later that they landed on a curly head and made their way down a tiny face, running over almost every feature.

As Avery stood there smiling up at her warmly, she could feel her heart shatter into a million pieces. Her little blue eyes held so much of her own lost brother that her angry expression immediately softened and she was able to breathe a bit easier. She just had to be strong and figure this all out; someone needed her to— four someones to be exact.

"Did you call your friend?" Avery asked softly as she glanced up in wide-eyed anticipation.

Sighing, Ashlyn closed her eyes for a split second before opening them and replying equally soft, "I have no friends."

"Well I'll be your friend, Aunt Ashy," Avery smiled proudly as she took Ashlyn's hand in her own as a small smile hesitantly made its way to the corner of Ashlyn's mouth. "And Mommy and Ella will too, I'm sure… even little Katy-bug, but she needs a new diaper first."

"Right…" Ashlyn's small lopsided smile disappeared as another sigh ran through her chest. She had to figure this out, if only for the tiny eyes that reminded her so much of her dear brother.


	4. American Heartbreak

_“Mmmm. Chris?” she mumbled through her sleepy haze, smiling with her eyes still closed as she felt a large, gentle hand run over her bare shoulder, flicking the strap of her shirt on its way. “What are you doing home?”_

_“I thought I’d surprise you,” Chris answered as he gazed down upon his wife’s form cuddled up in their bed, clutching a pillow._

_He had come to sit next to her moments before and watched her sleep peacefully before deciding to lightly rub her back until she awoke. It still fascinated him how just utterly beautiful his wife was as he felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment, gazing at her golden skin and darkly rich hair that fell upon the pillow, illuminated by the warm glow of the sun seeping through the window. He would never understand how he ever got so lucky; but he would also never look a gift horse in the mouth._

_“How long are you home?” Ali asked with a large smile before she turned onto her back, angled slight towards him as she gripped his larger hand in hers, joining their fingers and running smooth circles on the back of his hand._

_“At least for three months this time,” he answered upon leaning over and brushing his lips softly to her forehead. “My team took a three month leave after we concluded our last assignment.”_

_“Three months!” She exclaimed softly before sarcastically adding, “I won’t even know what to do with you for three months!”_

_“Well…” He paused as his heart rate increased slightly from nerves. “I was thinking about your last letter…”_

_Ali furrowed her brow in confusion, trying hard to remember what exactly she’d written and which letter was actually the last one. She’d written so many to him, each one being returned if only a few weeks delayed. However, as she felt a tiny sliver of realization settle in her thoughts, she faintly smiled and moved over to pull Chris into bed next to her, clothes and shoes and all._

_“And what part of that letter were you thinking of, My Dear?” She said softly with an air of hope lacing her words._

_“Let’s have a baby,” Chris replied barely above a whisper before Ali felt the tears forming in her as she leaned in to kiss him lovingly, giving her answer through actions rather than words._

_“I thought you’d never ask,” Ali said as she pulled away, running her hand over the high and tight fade haircut she’d grown accustomed to him sporting._

_“Technically, you asked,” he joked back with a smirk before adding,” You’re pretty blunt when you want something.”_

_Ali laughed heartily and shrugged her shoulders, stating, ”What can I say, Mr. Harris, you promised me marriage and babies. I’m just trying to cash in.”_

_Laughing softly with a gleam in his eye, Chris joked back, “And how can I break that promise, especially to a woman as beautiful as you?”_

_“Oh,” Ali replied, her voice rising in jest. “We got a charmer here, ladies and gents!”_

_“And don’t you forget it,” he said pointedly, wagging his finger at her._

_“How could i?” She joked back with a bright smile._

_“So, Mrs. Harris,” He began after a chuckle at Ali’s joke, holding his hands out palms up and gesturing to the bed. “What do you say we get started?”_

_“Absolutely!” She replied before pulling the large frame of her husband down over her, loving the way his cologne smelled as it wafted into her nostrils, his presence filling every sense as she began to kiss him sensually, ready to fill their home and life with a greater purpose._

Her eyes fluttered open as she fought through the haze in her vision to focus on her surroundings. The first thing she noticed was the pressure in her head seemingly weighing down her entire body like lead and anchoring her to her mattress. The second thing she recognized was her bed--she was in her bedroom and under the covers. Her shoes had been removed and she had been tucked in, her head comfortably resting on a pillow and her hair pulled loose from the confines of her messy bun. She blinked her eyes a few times to force them into focus, her headache deepening as she did so. She tightly shut them and brought her hand up to rub at her brows and apply some delicate pressure to her temples, needing to work out some of the tension if she could. She had felt as though her head had been placed in a metal vice; and each moment saw that vice being adjusted tighter and tighter as the pain amplified. She also realized in that moment that her throat and chest were burning, a sensation she knew resulted from either coughing or a fair bit of crying. She knew she hadn’t been sick at all so she clearly had cried herself to sleep. Upon opening her eyes once more, her vision finally focused and her face distorted in sheer agony as her most recent memories flashed through her all at once, reminding her of what had happened and why she was in bed in the early afternoon and not at work.

Her husband had been killed.

Tears filled Ali’s dark eyes and she narrowed them in slits, furrowing her brows and holding her breath as the pain flowed through her like a tsunami wave, filling her completely. Her right hand moved to clutch tightly to the cold pillow next to her as a harrowing sob emanated from deep within her core, echoing through the room and shattering the delicate silence. She tried frantically to inhale after a moment, needing more oxygen than the sob was giving her; but only found herself stuck in the endless exhale that followed the deafening wail. Her hot tears broke through the surface, burning her raw eyelids and cutting their way down her cheeks as she turned her head and buried her face into her pillow, suffocating the tears that soaked the fabric as she closed her eyes as tightly as she could. 

After a solid minute, she was finally able to intake a shallow breath before her body convulsed and another sob wracked her, a sob which seemed to be leading the charge as more and more equally violent ones followed. Her heart felt as though it were being assaulted rhythmically as she succumbed to the weight of her devastation, clutching her pillow to her face with both hands white-knuckling, her breaths coming shallowly through the pillow. It was only moments later that her lack of clear oxygen forced her face away from the pillow as she took a much deeper breath, her dizziness signalling that she was nearing unconsciousness. Black dots marred her vision as she opened her eyes and took in her surroundings, the room spinning like a carousel around her as she felt her body fade away.

Sitting up and wiping her face with heavy hands, she closed her eyes and attempted to find some semblance of composure, slowing her breathing and focusing on the rise and fall of her chest-- in through her nose and out through her mouth. She sat motionless for innumerable seconds before she was able to feel the initial onslaught of her recent heartbreak subside like a violent thunderstorm that slowly gives way to more moderate rain afterwards, her sobs now fading into calmer tears. With her eyes remaining closed, she thought of Chris and the vast array of memories that were all she had of him now-- all the times he had made her laugh on their date nights and looked at her like she was everything, how he would sweetly fawn over his daughters in adoration as they regaled their latest stories to him, the way he held her in the morning and told her she was beautiful even though she had just woken up, and how she could hear the love in his voice through the wire even as he was thousands of miles away serving his country. She had made such beautiful memories with a wonderful man who had given her everything she had ever wanted; and she cried softly at the loss, knowing that she would feel it until the day she died.

Opening her eyes once more and wiping the fallen tears from her cheek, she glanced around the room in search of the time and needing to know just how long she had been asleep. Though disoriented, her eyes managed to catch sight of her alarm clock which read the time in bold, red letters.

_1:52 PM_

Ali’s eyes widened in shock and her heart sank in momentary fear at the realization. It had been nearly four hours that she had left her children unattended, and she gasped in trepidation before jumping off the bed and to her feet. She hastily composed herself and glanced in the mirror briefly as she smoothed her hair over her shoulders, tucking a few strands behind her ears and knowing she didn’t really have the time to do much more with her appearance. Once she slipped on her shoes that had been placed neatly next to the bed, she made her way through the room and down the hallway, ignoring the various photographs that she knew would make her fall apart in her journey to the nursery. She had a baby to tend to and nurture; and she could not allow herself for even the tiniest of moments to continue to wallow in her misery. She’d already slept far too long and cried more than she could bear by that point. The rest of the day would be about her children and making sure they had what they needed before their entire world crumbled around them like the ashes of a wildfire.

Coming to the open door of her youngest child’s room, she stopped as she heard nothing but a still and unordinary silence. She furrowed her brow in confusion, finding it odd that at midday, the usually lively baby would be fast asleep and not squirming and fussing about in her crib, begging to be free. Her heart sank for only a moment, her hands hanging numbly at her sides as she started to make her way into the room, panic setting in before the laughter of her twin girls caught her attention from downstairs as one of them loudly addressed their Aunt before the other burst into a fit of giggles. She snapped her gaze towards the doorway and immediately moved in the direction of the sounds. It was then that she remembered through the haze and fog of the jumbled thoughts in her mind, having been so distracted by her heartbreak that she’d momentarily forgotten that the girls were not alone and that she did not put herself to bed-- Ashlyn was there.

Ashlyn was there and seemingly caring for them.

Wasting no time at all, Ali exited the nursery and deftly made quick work of the stairs, her feet fluttering about as she descended towards the ground level, a clunking noise filling the air. Her nostrils breathed in a rather pleasant scent as she recognized the sounds as coming from the direction of the kitchen. Turning to her right and following the sounds and smells, she moved through her living room before rounding a corner into the large, open kitchen with the spacious attached dining room. The scene served to calm everything inside of her instantaneously as she observed two small figures sitting at the table, clutching spoons in their tiny hands as they stuffed their mouths with macaroni and cheese, their brown curls bouncing as they laughed animatedly at their baby sister who was covered in yellow paste and sitting next to them in her highchair. 

“Hi, Mommy,” Avery wasted no time in greeting Ali, smiling mid-bite and flashing her food-caked teeth.

“Hi, Babies,” Ali moved across the dining room, forcing a cheerful tone to her voice and circling the table to stand between the twins and their baby sister. Kissing the top of the twins heads one-by-one, she reached a hand over to lovingly rub over Katy’s short, dark hair as the baby gurgled a happy response before Ali kissed her as well and asked, “What are you all doing?”

“It’s lunch time!” Avery sweetly exclaimed as she filled her mouth with a bite. “Aunt Ashy made us macaroni and cheese!”

“You want some, Mommy?” Ella asked as she held the child-sized spoon towards her mother.

“Oh, no,” Ali declined, shaking her head and looking around the kitchen in search of her absent sister-in-law. “Where is Aunt Ash?”

“Oh,” Ella began before Avery interrupted.

“She’s out on the porch,” she said nonchalantly before adding, “She had to call her friend to change Katy-bug’s diaper.”

“Yeah, Mommy!” Ella exclaimed with wide blue eyes as her eyebrows rose up to meet her hairline, her expression shifting to disgust. “It was so stinky!”

“It made her fall over!” Avery said enthusiastically before clapping her hands in reference to Ashlyn hitting the floor.

“We thought she was sick too,” Ella stated as her tiny eyes looked worried for a moment.

Laughing and gently wiping food from baby Katy’s cheeks with her thumb, Ali widened her eyes as well in bewilderment before she chuckled out a response, “What?”

“Her friend is really pretty, Mommy,” Avery offered as she nodded her head and took another bite.

“But not prettier than you!” Ella added as she brought a tiny hand up to pat her mother’s shoulder. “You’re a Princess!”

“Well, thank you, Sweetie,” Ali lovingly ran her hand through Ella’s curls before she rose to her feet, wanting to thank whomever it was that Ashlyn had called, before looking to the twins and giving them a smile. “I’m going to go see Aunt Ashlyn and her friend for a moment. You two stay here and help Katy-bug eat?”

She received two affirmative nods in response before smiling and walking towards the direction of the front porch, her shoes squeaking against the hardwood floor as she moved down through the foyer. She paused in her pursuit as her eyes glanced through the bay window and landed on the two figures on the porch. Ali froze in her spot, watching quietly as a woman who she recognized as Jessica Baker, with her thick blonde hair and tanned skin, reached her hand up to Ashlyn’s mouth and stole a drag off the cigarette she retrieved before smirking and putting it back between two pink lips. Her flirtatious nature was made all the more evident by the stark red lipstick and tacky outfit-- a skimpy white tank top nearly exposing her breasts complimented by dark denim jeans that were far too tight for her curved hips and round backside. She felt mildly uncomfortable at watching the exchange, knowing the tumultuous history between the two and not having very good opinions of the Baker woman. Chris had told her before that Jessica Baker was the reason Ashlyn had found herself robbing a convenient store in the first place. Although Ashlyn was old enough to make her own decisions, Jessica had threatened to leave if Ashlyn didn’t put a ring on her finger after all the back and forth between the two of them for the several years after high school; and Ashlyn just didn’t have the money for what she knew to be Jessica’s more high-end taste. So her sister-in-law improvised in an attempt to give the woman the ring she wanted. Four years later, Ali had to awaken in the middle of the night to pick up Ashlyn from a bar after a night of fighting with the woman who threw her out. Not much had changed for them over the years; but Ali wasn’t sure it ever would.

Ali shook her head in contempt for the woman’s role in Ashlyn’s destructive decisions before she watched Ashlyn stub out her cigarette on the sole of her boot and smiled sadly through what looked like tears as the two of them spoke in words that Ali couldn’t quite read from their lips. Jessica then reached a hand to run softly over Ashlyn’s cheek before leaning in to kiss the other one. Perhaps, Ali thought, Jessica was merely being supportive to someone she cared for and it was nothing more; and who was she to judge the two of them anyway?

A few long minutes later, Ashlyn strode back through the foyer and towards the kitchen with a faraway look in her eyes, her thoughts weighing on her as she shook her head in exasperation. Calling Jessica Baker had been the last thing she had wanted to do, the previous night playing in her mind as she dialed the familiar number-- a number she had perfectly memorized from all of the times she’d called her from the women’s prison during her confinement. She had gone over every other possibility, mentally crossing each one out as she didn’t really know them to be asking a favor from or she just didn’t have their number. Jessica’s name had been at the bottom of her list, but once she had gone through everyone else, it was the only name that remained. So she reluctantly called, holding her breath and hoping that Jessica hadn’t been too mad from their fight to answer her. 

_“Hello?” The woman’s voice answered as Ashlyn released the large breath she’d been holding._

_“Jess…” Ashlyn sighed in a mixture of relief and desperation._

_“Ash? What do you want?” She’d ask in a flat, emotionless voice that Ashlyn could tell meant she was clearly still angry with her; and why wouldn’t she be-- Ashlyn had lied about her job when she had been fired on the first day and it resulted in a blow-out fight in which harsh words were flung back and forth._

_“Look,” Ashlyn began as she had decided to just cut to the point and put her own baggage aside to help her brother’s family. “I don’t care what you think of me but my brother was killed and Ali… She can’t really… I need help with the baby. Can you come over and help me?”_

_“Oh God, Ash!” She heard Jessica’s voice soften as she closed her eyes in hopes that she would come. “I’m so sorry. I’ll be right there.”_

To Jessica’s credit, she came in under fifteen minutes and managed to change the toxic diaper, cook macaroni and cheese, and she even cleaned the kitchen up from the morning’s interrupted pancake breakfast-- something she did because she had just wanted to. Though Ashlyn knew that calling and getting involved again with her in any way was ill-advised and always led to something bad happening, she couldn’t discount the fact that Jessica had been very kind and helped the family in exactly the way they had needed her to without asking for anything in return. Sure, Ashlyn thought, Jessica probably expected the two of them to reconcile, evidenced by the way her lips had lingered on her cheek; but Ashlyn would save that discussion and decision for another day. At present, the only thing that really mattered was doing everything she could for the three small people that looked to her for care.

Rounding the corner into the dining room, Ashlyn jolted in momentary shock as she saw Ali at the head of the table sitting with the children, forced laughter echoing through the room as she obliged the twins in their story-telling. Ashlyn’s heart clinched momentarily as she could clearly feel the somber energy flowing from her sister-in-law as her sad brown eyes looked up into hers, the usual sparkle they held noticeably absent. The two adults shared a heavy, knowing look that spoke to the magnitude of the terrible situation before Ali spoke up much to Ashlyn’s surprise.

“So,” she said in a teasing voice, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. “You called Jessica Baker to come change my baby’s diaper?”

“I mean,” Ashlyn began as she nervously looked to her feet and brought her hand up to rub at the back of her neck. “I’ve never changed one before and it was gross, so…”

“Next time, you can just wake me up, Ash,” Ali answered with amusement at the woman’s obvious discomfort. 

“I wanted to let you sleep,” she whispered enough for Ali to hear.

“Did you eat?” Ali asked softly, her eyes taking in the haggard appearance of Ashlyn as the woman had clearly had a stressful few hours tending to the girls and processing the loss of her brother.

“I don’t think I can,” Ashlyn replied as she looked into Ali’s eyes, the sadness unspoken between them as Ali nods in understanding.

“Well,” she started as her hand gestures to the chair on her left side. “Won’t you come sit with us?”

Ashlyn nodded solemnly as she moves from her rooted position in the doorway towards the large family dining table, her tattooed arm jutting out to pull a chair from the table and situate herself across from the twins who both flanked Ali’s right side. She glanced to her left and observed baby Katy chomping away at the stray bits of macaroni she held in her tiny fists, one bottom tooth on display through a dimpled smile as cheese sauce covered her cheeks. Her chuckle filled the air as she shyly glanced at Ali in an air of embarrassment for having been intimidated by the tiny being hours before.

“Well, you’re not as scary as you seemed earlier,” Ashlyn stated softly to the baby as Ali laughed in response.

Ashlyn looked up at the laughter and saw a stray tear trickle down Ali’s cheek as she felt her own breath form a lump in her throat at the sight. 

“She looks so much like Chris,” Ali whispered softly, ending her statement before her composure failed her. 

Ashlyn could only breath in response, her eyes focusing on her outstretched hands that rested on the table as her heart began its descent into her stomach, knotting uncomfortably in its depths. She could feel her own tears rising to the surface, threatening to break free before she swallowed hard to force them back down, exhaling audibly through her nose. She couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit of guilt saturate the air at being the one sitting at the family’s table-- the one alive-- instead of her brother, Chris-- the one who actually belonged there and who had made this family and home for himself. It was not her place to be with them and be the one caring for them. None of it was her place; but before she could rise from the table and scoot the chair back to leave out the front door and run as far away from the raw, encompassing guilt as she could get, she felt a soft hand clutch at her own from across the table. Darkly broken brown eyes stared straight into her own, challenging her to hold their knowing gaze and stay.

“Please stay with us,” Ali’s soft, pleading voice filtered in through ambient noise, as if she had sensed Ashlyn’s desire to run away from the moment. “You can have the guest room for as long as you want. But I would really like it if you stayed.”

“Yes!” Avery and Ella both exclaimed at the same time before Avery added, “Please stay here with us!”

Unable to deny her sister-in-law’s hopeful and heartbroken expression, or the pleas of her small nieces, Ashlyn softly gripped her hand in return and nodded her head, knowing that Ali was only asking because she didn’t want to be alone during this time. And she knew deep down inside of herself that she shouldn’t be alone either. She had never dealt with tragic loss before, having lost her mother on her first day of life; so she was terrified of what it would bring her and what she would be capable of. Ashlyn had always been an impulsive person known to handle her emotions in much the same way that a raging bull does when he sees the red flags held aloft by threatening bull fighters. The idea that she would be out in the world and left alone to deal with the loss of her brother without anyone to anchor her to earth-- that she might just float away or drown-- had completely shook her to her very core; and she wondered if Ali was offering to be that anchor. If she were, Ashlyn knew she couldn’t say no.

Suddenly, Ali’s cell phone made a noise signalling an incoming call. Ashlyn watched as her sister-in-law stood to her feet to grab the phone from where she’d left it next to the sink on the counter hours before. 

Looking slightly disoriented, Ali answered the call and brought the phone to her ear with a shaky hand.

“Hello?” Ali asked the voice on the other line as her brows furrowed in attention and she listened, turning her back to the table and staring out of the kitchen window to the trees swirling in the wind. She found herself lost in their violent dance with the wind for a moment before the voice answered.

_“Mrs. Harris?”_

“This is she,” Ali supplied as her breath caught in the apex of her throat. “May I ask who is calling.” Though she already knew the nature of the call, she was doing her best to remain calm and address the caller with as much composure as she could muster.

_“This is Sergeant First Class Williams of the United States Army.”_

“Yes?” Ali’s soft, shaky voice held in the sob that nearly escaped her. “What can I do for you?”

_“I’m terribly sorry for your loss, Ma’am. Staff Sergeant Harris was a good man.”_

“Thank you,” she replied softly as her eyes closed and she gripped the sink in front of her.

_“I’m calling to inform you that your husband's body has been transported to Howard Community Hospital there in Jasper. Would you be able to meet me there tomorrow to identify him properly and collect his belongings?”_

“I can do that.” Ali nods through tears, bringing her hand up to hold in the sob so as to not cry into the phone call and alert her children who are laughing innocently in the background as Ashlyn keeps her concerned gaze focused intently on Ali.

_“Thank you, Ma’am. I will let you get back to your day. Once again, I am sorry for your loss. I will meet you at the entrance with Corporal Thomas at 09:00 tomorrow morning. Take care.”_

“Ok,” Ali briefly responds before ending the call and bringing the phone to her forehead and allowing the tears to finally escape her quietly.


	5. Left Behind

“Aunt Ashy?” 

Avery’s inquisitive voice broke her from her faraway thoughts as she brought the coffee mug up to her lips, drinking in the much-needed remedy from having been unable to sleep at all the night before and feeling the heaviness from her fatigue and deep sadness. She had tossed and turned relentlessly in her bed while tears had punctuated her foray into her memories, each one of her and Chris and the priceless bond they had shared— moments that had felt like a lifetime again and only just yesterday. She had felt small and suffocated as her feet moved aimlessly under the covers, kicking about to free herself from the itchy confines of her bed while pleading with her thoughts to quiet just long enough for her to close her eyes and drift off. But no matter how much time had passed or how exhausted she felt, her eyes remained open, staring into the dark blankness of the room as she listened to the sounds of the old house creaking and settling around her and feeling even more alone than she ever had in her life. 

After putting the girls down for bed around 8:00 which had consisted of bath time and a Dr. Suess book, Ali had shown her to her temporary room— a nice-sized guest room on the first floor towards the back of the house that had a double bed, large oak armoire, and a small dark wood night stand that she recognized from her father’s house growing up. Chris had collected quite a few of their grandmother’s furniture from their father as wedding gifts, having more use for them than she did after having moved into the large house with Ali. It had momentarily comforted Ashlyn when she had seen the night stand and the various other familiarities from her childhood— a grandfather clock in the corner of the living room, a cedar chest in the foyer in which she presumed Ali kept blankets or something of the like, and an antique piano that she had learned to play on when she had grown up which sat in the spacious dining room adjacent to the table. She was flooded with so many memories of these things that she and Chris had encountered so many times in their home growing up, their father having inherited them before they had been born. Though they had never met their grandmother, Ashlyn could tell by the well-crafted, classy furniture that she must have had wonderful taste in home decor. And as she moved through the house and into her new room, she could tell that Ali did as well.

“Why is Mommy still in her bed?” Avery asked as Ashlyn glanced down from her position in front of the coffee maker that the family kept on the counter next to the sink, confused blue eyes locking onto dark hazel. 

“She never stays in bed this long,” Ella added as she joined Avery in standing in front of their aunt and looking to her for answers.

“Yeah!” Avery said a bit more sternly as she pointed to the stove. “She always makes breakfast by now.”

“Well,” Ashlyn croaked out, her voice hoarse from the near twenty-four hours she’d been awake and all of the emotions that had come about during those hours. “I’m not sure about pancakes, but I can fix you both a bowl of—“ She paused to glance up into the cabinet that Ali had shown her that contained dry goods and snacks in case she got hungry, her hand opening the door as her eyes ran over the cereal options. “Fruity Pebbles— or Frosted Flakes?”

Staring up at her aunt from three feet below, Ella asked with a soft voice, a hint of wonderment in her expression, “Is that a mermaid on your neck?”

“What?” She glanced down in confusion before realizing through her weariness that her niece was referring to her neck tattoo. “Oh, this?” She pointed as the twins both nodded in unison before she answered. “Yeah. It’s a mermaid. I got it because I like going to the beaches in the summertime and surfing.”

“Do you see mermaids when you surf?” Ella asked in excited curiosity, the thought of mermaids making her face light up.

“Mermaids aren’t real, you ding dong,” Avery chastised with a scrunched face, knocking her hand against Ellas shoulder as Ashlyn gave her a look that warmed her to be nice. 

“They could be. You don’t know!” Ella retorted as she backed away in annoyance and looked to her aunt for reinforcement. “You could see one, right Aunt Ashy?”

Laughing slightly, Ashlyn’s mouth formed a faint smile before she answered, “Not usually. Although one time, I did see a sea turtle.”

“You did?” They both exclaimed as their eyes widened at the thought.

“I did,” she relied with a nod and smiled a bit more as she took in their messy brown curls bouncing along with their joyous expressions. 

“Will you take us surfing, Aunt Ashy?” Avery pleaded, her blue eyes housing an excitement for the prospect of adventure.

She was momentarily taken back by the question as she froze in her gaze at the two young, pleading faces that stared up at her eagerly. Never in her life had a child— or two for that matter— wanted anything at all to do with her. She’d always regarded them with apprehension and distance, never really allowing herself to interact with one, let alone plan an activity or show them how to do anything. It wasn’t that she hated children, quite the opposite in fact. She found them to be amusing and, at times, rather adorable. It was more so that she just didn’t know how to talk to them or even how to act with them, believing children to be some sort of life test with instructions written in a language that she couldn’t read. It was guesswork at best; and if she failed, she’d possibly hurt them and— not that her reputation had mattered much to her— be seen by others as much more defective than they already viewed her. 

Compounded with her thoughts of being an inadequate companion for children, another much more troublesome thought occurred to her— her brother should be the one showing his children how to surf in the same way that he had shown her when they were in high school. They should be looking to him for new experiences and guidance, their eyes holding his gaze as they wished for him to take them on a wondrous adventure. She shouldn’t be standing and frozen to the spot in front of his sink debating how to answer the hopeful expressions and pleas of his children. It should be him. And her heart was crushed even more as she realized that the tiny beings had their whole lives to live without the joys of having a good father to foster their growth and teach them things like how to surf, or run behind them as they rode their bicycles without training wheels for the first time, or help them learn how to play a sport or two. They were robbed of that. And she could only stare at their innocent eyes for so long before she decided with an anxious heart that she would do her very best to give them just about anything they asked of her. 

“Maybe sometime,” she replied with a shallow smile before pointing to the cereal boxes and asking, “Which one do you guys want?”

“Frosted Flakes!” They both exclaimed before going toward the refrigerator and opening the door, Avery retrieving the milk and gesturing for Ella to follow her to the table, their tiny sock feet plodding as they crossed the floor.

Ashlyn then set her coffee mug down on the white tiled countertop, her gray v-neck stretching as she reached her right arm up to retrieve the blue box with Tony the Tiger displayed across the front. She then furrowed her brows as she looked around the spacious and warm country yellow kitchen, her eyes moving across the expansive white cabinets in search of a likely candidate to house the bowls. After opening two doors with no luck, she remembered that Ali had busied herself with cleaning up after dinner last night and put all of the dishes from the day’s meals into the dishwasher and then set it to run through the wash cycle. She moved over to the left of the sink and opened the dishwasher door, crouching down slightly to pull two bowls and two spoons from within before crossing the kitchen to the table and placing each set in front of the girls. 

“Aren’t you eating too, Aunt Ashy?” Ella’s sweet voice asked as she looked worriedly at Ashlyn. 

“Umm...” Ashlyn faltered, not knowing how to answer and explain that after eating nothing the previous day she was still lacking an appetite. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Do you ever eat?” Avery asked as she grabbed for the cereal box, opening the pouch inside filling her bowl and passing the box to Ella afterwards.

“Sure, I do,” Ashlyn said as she grabbed the gallon of milk to help the small girls with the heavier part. “I just haven’t felt like it lately.”

“Mommy didn’t eat last night either,” Ella added, her perceptive nature having noticed that her Mommy had been quite different than she normally was.

Knowing that Ali had not yet told them of their father’s death— wanting to wait until after their trip to the hospital— Ashlyn was at an impasse as to what she could actually say to give them an explanation. Seeing as Ali had already told them she wasn’t sick and not to worry about her, she couldn’t say she was suddenly sick now. Plus, she wasn’t really inclined to lie to them. So, there really weren’t a lot of options on what Ashlyn could say to ease their concerns and placate them enough to let the questions go.

“I’m actually going to go and check on your Mom right now,” Ashlyn said as she replaced the lid on the milk and closed the box of cereal, leaving both on the table in case the twins wanted more. She wasn’t entirely sure how much a child of their size could eat, but she figured she’d give them the choice. 

“Will you tell her that it’s her turn in the alphabet game?” Avery asked before taking a spoonful of her cereal, comping her jaw as milk dripped down her chin.

“Yeah!” Ella added as she took a bite as well, though much more daintily and keeping the milk inside her mouth. “We didn’t finish last night and it’s her turn!”

“I’ll do my best,” Ashlyn nodded solemnly, not entirely sure what state she’d find Ali in as she turned apprehensively towards the stairs and made her way through the house and up to the second floor.

She breathed a deep sigh, the air flowing through her chest as she ardently tried to stave off her nerves. Though Ali had come down during lunch yesterday and they had sat together at the table for a long while, her sister-in-law had barely said anything to her after inviting her to stay nor had she made much eye contact. Even through the rest of the evening after lunch, Ali had seemed to exist in another dimension, barely able to nod along to the girls’ stories and many times she had failed to answer a question until she was prompted a second time. Ashlyn knew that Ali was dealing with an unbearable heartbreak, something she knew that no one was ever prepared for or could ever envision happening to themselves. No one is ever not completely blindsided by the premature death of a spouse and devastated beyond comprehension. So, she was not at all surprised when she creaked open the door to the master bedroom and found her sister-in-law staring blankly at the wall in the direction where Ashlyn entered, her brown eyes large and unblinking. She was so still and unfazed by the entrance of another person into her space that, if it weren’t for the rise and fall of her chest, Ashlyn might have thought she was a wax figure. 

“Al?” Her shaky voice managed to speak as she kept her hand clutched tightly to the doorknob, afraid that if she let go she would lose her nerve.

Ali’s dark eyes shifted up slightly as she averted her gaze to her sister-in-law, making eye contact and seeing the familiar sadness reflected back. She didn’t say anything and Ashlyn wasn’t sure if she really had her attention or not; but she figured she would continue on anyway, stepping further into the room and taking a breath.

“It’s almost time for us to head to the hospital. I checked on Katy and she’s still sleeping. I also got the twins set up with some cereal and I think the neighbor lady is coming over in about twenty minutes. Do you need anything?” Ashlyn asked as her hazel eyes looked on in concern, watching as Ali shook her head ever so slightly. “I can drive you if you want.”

Ali only managed a terse nod as she began to sit up from her fetal position on the large bed, her hands coming to rub deeply at her forehead and eyes and her feet falling to the floor as she swung around towards the doorway. 

“I don’t know that I’m ready for this,” Ali’s small voice broke through the somber atmosphere as she dropped her hands to look at Ashlyn through a haze of tears. “What did we do, Ash? What did he do to deserve this?”

Ashlyn could only swallow a thick, gulping lump before looking to her feet as she timidly crossed the floor to sit next to Ali, stating softly as her own tears formed, “Nothing.”

“I’m so sorry, Ash,” Ali sobbed as her hands flew towards her to wrap tightly around broad shoulders, her fists clutching at Ashlyn’s shirt as tears saturated the area in the crook of her neck. “I’m so sorry you lost your brother.”

Ashlyn’s face scrunched in abject sorrow as her weighted hands shakily responded by returning the hug, wrapping themselves gently around the smaller frame of her sister-in-law who cried inconsolably into her chest. She wasn’t sure what she should do or say, having forced herself to remain strong for the past twenty-four hours and refusing to succumb to the melancholy heaviness that they had been left with since the two officers had delivered the life-altering news. She knew how devastated and lost Ali would be after losing her husband, having built a home and life with him— losing the future she had dreamt into existence and having to raise three children without her partner there to help. Ashlyn knew that Ali had it so much worse than anyone else in her brother’s life. However, she never once imagined someone, let alone Ali, recognizing what she had lost— the absence she felt— her brother and best friend, the only person she had ever truly had on her side. But somehow, there she was telling her how she saw her pain— how she saw her. Ali’s words had shifted something within her and she suddenly felt as though someone else besides her brother had finally decided to stand in her corner too. 

And she would not take that for granted.

“I’m sorry too,” Ashlyn finally managed a reply after long moments of them holding onto each other for dear life, seemingly attempting to pool their strength together and find a way to do what they needed to in the coming hours and then the coming days. 

“Thank you so much for being here,” Ali offered as she pulled away, wiping at her tears with her hands as she attempted to compose herself. “I don’t know what I would do without you— what we would do without you.”

It’s a poignant statement for Ashlyn to have heard someone make in regards to her and her impact on their life. Having had a long, tumultuous relation with a woman who had only ever exclaimed how better off she would be without Ashlyn in her life. So many times she had let down and disappointed those around her— Jessica Baker, her father, most of the friends she’d made, her teachers in high school, and even sometimes her brother— though he would never have admitted as much. She had begun, over the years, to think that no one would ever really need her in their life and perhaps not even want her there; so she had never allowed herself to envision a scenario in which someone would actually be grateful to her, let alone voice their gratitude. Not really knowing how to respond to Ali’s statement, Ashlyn decided to instead voice what she had been lying awake all night in bed wrestling with. 

“I— um— I can do it for you, Al. So that you don’t have to see—”

“No,” Ali immediately refused, gripping Ashlyn’s hand and shaking her head forcefully as she closed her eyes to explain. “You shouldn’t have to see either, Ash. I can’t ask that of you.”

“You don’t have to ask,” Ashlyn said sincerely as her hazel eyes stared into chocolate ones. “I want to. I owe it to him.”

“Then we’ll go together,” Ali replied softly with the faintest of smiles in reassurance as she squeezed the larger hand she held, her fingertips rubbing gently across the vein on the backside in an attempt to transfer any strength and determination she could muster. “That way neither of us has to go alone.”

Ashlyn could only nod as she stared unwaveringly into dark eyes that seemed to house something so foreign to her that she almost couldn’t recognize what it was— a sense of belonging as if she would never be alone again.

___________________________________________________________________________

Nearly forty-three minutes later, Ashlyn slowly maneuvered her brother’s truck into a spot near the front of the hospital as Ali continued to stare blankly out of the passenger side window. It had been a quiet ride there, almost too quiet that whatever noises they had heard had seemingly been amplified and felt in their bones. But Ashlyn guessed that a quiet ride was all that could have followed the tearful exchange that had occurred less than twenty minutes prior. After Ali had checked on Baby Katy and kissed the twins good morning, Nanette had knocked on the front door to signal her arrival. As soon as Ashlyn had opened the door to let her in as Ali came to stand behind her, the kind neighbor lady engulfed them both in a hug as tears fell down her cheeks, her voice offering some semblance of a condolence. The three of them allowed the moment to linger, clutching each other for support as Ashlyn fought back tears while the other two allowed them to flow freely. She had been the first person outside of themselves and the military to know about Chris, and Ashlyn couldn’t help but think how much more real and final it had made everything feel.

Ali had spent the majority of the ride thinking of her husband and replaying the recent events over and over in her mind, willing herself to wake up from the nightmare. Chris had been in the military for close to eleven years; and though they had known each other for just over seven of those years, Ali had never once believed for a tiny sliver of a moment that this would be the outcome— that it would have ended in such a way. She had always fantasized about him leaving the Army and getting a regular job in town as they watched their three children grow to become the kinds of people that they had always talked of them being— athletic, social, smart, and driven. They had hypothesized and dreamed of high school projects, dances, big games, and eventually college graduation and weddings. Chris had always told her that he would take her on the honeymoon she had deserved someday, one that he had been unable to give her due to his responsibilities to the military. She had envisioned him being honorably discharged and surprising her one day with tickets to Bora Bora, a place they had agreed on seeing together. But everytime he had surprised her, it had been only for a short while as he was on leave and would have to inevitably return, his last surprise visit coming just a month ago. She relished the days she did have with him as they existed in their own little bubble, just the two of them and their three girls— girls that Chris had told her were growing much too fast for his liking. And Ali sighed sadly as she realized that he wouldn’t even see one of them grow at all.

“That must be them,” Ashlyn’s quiet voice broke Ali from her thoughts as she put the truck in park and killed the engine. 

Ali’s eyes followed Ashlyn’s gaze to the two uniformed men standing at the front entrance to the hospital in their Army green dress uniforms, both of them seemingly surveying the parking lot for any sign of them. They were almost robotic in their stance, hands at their sides as though they had been statues situated to greet people as they walked in and out of the hospital. She had never met the one who had called, but she had met Corporal Thomas a few times before and knew him to be a good friend of her husband’s. He was nearly the same age as Chris with a clean shaven appearance and kind eyes. They had both gone through basic training together; and once they had graduated, they both put in for the same assignments in an attempt to stick together. It had worked out wonderfully as they had been assigned to the same Ranger unit at Fort Bragg in North Carolina, keeping Chris close to home. She had met Corporal Thomas on base for the first time when she had visited and she could tell then that they had been pretty close. Chris had been promoted to Staff Sergeant while Thomas became his second in command; and it wasn’t long after that Chris had made Thomas his best man for their wedding. So she wondered just how he was able to separate the pain she knew he must be feeling for the loss of his friend and remain stoic as he waited. She surmised the Army had given them much training for stoicism and briefly remembered how Chris had, at times, been able to do the same. 

“Yeah,” Ali finally replied as she glanced to Ashlyn, making eye contact and conveying just how much she was dreading the next hour or so. “The one on the right is Corporal Thomas. He was Chris’s good friend.”

Ashlyn only nodded in response as her eyes searched Ali’s, noticing the darkness settling as tears formed. She could tell that Ali was extremely apprehensive and wanting to be anywhere else, her hands wringing together and her breathing labored. She had meant it when she said she would go in Ali’s place, if only to save her sister-in-law of the heartbreaking image of her fallen husband stretched out on a table and lifeless. In her mind, no one should ever have to see a loved one in such a state, let alone a spouse. She surmised that even though people had dozens of photos and memories of their loved ones, all it took to overshadow those was that one final, haunting image in which their skin was pale and cold, their lips colorless and dry, and their body stitched up from a likely autopsy. 

She quickly shook herself of the thought before focusing once more on Ali and moving her right hand to cover Ali’s left, her words offering once more, “I can still be the one who sees him. You can go in and get his things, but I can do it. I can be the one who sees him like that. You don’t have to.”

“Thank you, Ash,” Ali replied as her tears broke through, streaming down her cheeks as she clutched Ashlyn’s hand. “But I know how hard it is going to be for either of us and we both just need to be there for each other.”

“Okay,” she relented before taking her hand from Ali’s and removing the truck keys from their ignition. “I just can’t believe this.” She shook her head as she stared out the windshield. 

“Neither can I,” she softly agreed as her hand began to wipe at her eyes, trying desperately to compose herself to meet the two soldiers. “I don’t want to leave this truck, but I know they’re waiting for us.”

After a few more somber moments in the truck, the two women made their way across the front few handicap rows of the parking lot and onto the sidewalk, passing a woman pushing an elderly man in his wheelchair. Ashlyn made it a point to walk a few steps behind Ali as she didn’t know the two uniformed men and they were most likely not expecting her to join them. She figured she would let Ali lead the way and make introductions as they came to stand only a few feet away from a younger guy, whom Ali had specified as Corporal Thomas, and a middle-aged man who seemed to be in a position higher than the Corporal based on his stance and the vast array of ribbons and medals that adorned his chest. 

“Mrs. Harris,” the older officer spoke up as they both turned to greet the two women. “I am Sergeant First Class Williams and I believe you have met Corporal Thomas.”

Ali nodded and shook the hand Williams had offered before turning and shaking the Corporal’s and introducing Ashlyn, “This is Chris’ sister Ashlyn Harris.”

“Pleased to meet you Ms. Harris,” Williams spoke first as he extended a hand towards the short-haired woman. “Although I do wish it were under different circumstances. I’m truly sorry for your loss.”

Ashlyn nodded as Corporal Thomas followed Williams in greeting her with a handshake and extending his condolences. She reckoned that she would here “I’m sorry for your loss” more times than she would be able to stand over the coming months as that is something people feel obliged to say to a person who has had a death in the family whether they really mean it or not; but, she could tell that the two officers were sincere in their condolences and probably felt some semblance of loss as well.

Once the greetings were done with, Williams opened the door and ushered Ali inside with a gentle hand to her shoulder. Thomas then signaled for Ashlyn to follow, but she hesitated for a moment, not entirely comfortable walking in front of a man in uniform. She faltered briefly before entering the hospital, immediately falling in step behind Thomas once he entered as well. Ashlyn had experienced many encounters with uniformed men— mostly police— and they had never been under good conditions. This time was no different, however, as it was in regards to her brother’s death, the only difference being that she wasn’t being stuffed into the back of a police car, or monitored in her jail cell, or escorted into the court house. She knew the soldier meant her no harm and was only being polite, but she couldn’t shake her conditioned response to being in front of a uniformed man— her response being one of apprehension and mistrust towards their authoritative position over her.

“Right this way, Ladies,” Williams spoke as they moved past a long desk dotted by receptionists, through a double set of doors, and down a narrow corridor. 

Ali tried her best to keep pace with the officer, her feet making quick work of the journey as Thomas and Ashlyn trailed behind. She could see to her left and right various hallways indicating the directions to other wings of the hospital— the Emergency Room, Pediatrics, Intensive Care Unit, Maternity Ward and Laboratory. But as they crossed the first floor and eventually turned a corner, her heart began to pound much more rapidly in her chest as she read a sign that said “Morgue.” She could feel her throat tighten as her head began to feel as though it had detached itself from her body. Her breathing became shallow and her mouth grew dry. On the drive over, she had done her best to mentally prepare herself for her first encounter with a morgue and a dead body. And as the group paused in front of the double doors leading to the area indicated by the sign, she realized that she could never really be prepared-- no one could. 

Ali felt Ashlyn come to stand next to her moments later as the two soldiers moved to their right, Williams calling someone from his cell phone. Ashlyn could only put a comforting hand on Ali’s trembling shoulder as they made eye contact, searching for any sign in the other’s eyes that they weren’t alright. She could see that Ashlyn was holding everything in, her hazel eyes considerably darker than usual and her shoulders tense and her jaw set tight. Ali could feel the anxiety flowing through her in waves as her tattooed hand gripped her shoulder a bit tighter than Ashlyn probably realized. Ali shifted on her feet as she overheard the officer talking to the person on the other end. 

“Mrs. Harris is here with Staff Sergeant Harris’s sister,” Williams spoke stoically into the phone, as he glanced at the two women. “I can walk them to you. Not a problem.” 

He ended the call before turning to more squarely face them. “The Chief Medical Examiner has asked us to meet him down the hall in the room on the left. I left Chris’s bag there for you, Mrs. Harris.”

“Thank you,” Ali offered in a shaky voice, her anxiety level rising like the tide. “Will he be-- Will Chris be…” Her voice trailed off, unsure of how to word what she was asking.

“Will he be all stitched up?” Ashlyn finished as she could tell exactly what Ali had been meaning to ask-- it was the same question on her mind as well.

“Well,” Williams began as he could sense the trepidation in their eyes. “He has had an autopsy of which the examiner will go over with you both. However, you won’t actually be seeing his body.”

“I don’t understand,” Ali said with a light shake of her head, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion. “I thought I needed to identify him.”

“The Army has identified him,” he clarified before adding, “You will be verifying that identification based on a photograph of his face. Because he was wearing his tags and through fingerprint analysis, we were able to make a positive identification. Your verification is merely a formality. It doesn’t happen often, but the military has been known to misidentify a body before. This is just standard procedure now to ensure that we get it right.”

“I see,” Ali nodded as she looked towards Ashlyn in mild relief, seeing the same reflected back as they neither one had been comfortable with the idea of seeing his body stretched out on a cold, sterile autopsy morgue table.

“Come with me, Ladies,” Williams kindly ordered as he then gestured towards the hallway. 

Once they entered the room, Ashlyn let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding probably since they‘d entered the hospital. It wasn’t at all what she had been expecting when they’d arrived and had momentarily debated on exiting the truck in the parking lot. The scene was much more inviting and gentle than she had envisioned-- a soft, leather couch was situated against the far wall with throw pillows at each arm rest, the carpeting was a muted gray and accented by an earthy area rug, there were end tables that each held a soft, warm lamp and various magazines, and two plush chairs sat adjacent to the couch with a coffee table situated in the middle of everything complete with a box of tissues. She had felt as though she stepped into someone’s living room by how peaceful it seemed. It was such a stark contrast to the white, harsh depictions of morgues seen in movies and on television-- and she was grateful. 

“Please have a seat, Ladies,” an older gentleman with peppery grey hair combed to the side stood from his spot in one of the chairs as he greeted the group entering the room. “My name is Doctor Ousley. I am the Chief Medical Examiner here at Howard Community Hospital.”

“Nice to meet you,” Ali kindly replied, though her smile was pinched and forced, shaking his proffered hand before Ashlyn followed suit.

The two sat down next to each other on the large couch as the officers stood side-by-side near the doorway, hands held at their waists and their stance shoulder width apart. Ashlyn immediately began to fidget with the hem of her v-neck shirt in discomfort as Ali retrieved a few tissues from the box and began to dab at her tears, her face blotchy and messy hair falling from her bun. Dr. Ousley, pulling his long white lab coat together in the front, returned to his seat to their right as he grabbed a manilla folder from the coffee table in front of him and began to speak in a surprisingly soft voice, his concern on clear display.

“First of all, I am very sorry for the circumstances that have caused you both to have to be here today. I know there is nothing I can say to ease any of this for you both; but the hospital has a wonderful chaplain on staff should either of you wish to speak to him. He would normally be here, but he was called to oncology a few minutes ago.”

Ali nodded as she looked on sadly, waiting for Dr. Ousley to continue. Ashlyn could only clench her jaw and stare blankly ahead, her mind wrestling with the notion that her brother’s lifeless body was being held just down the hallway. It both comforted her and unnerved her to the utmost degrees. On one hand, he was close by and he wouldn’t be one of those soldiers lost forever to their family as their body had been unable to be recovered or identified. He wouldn’t be interred in some mass grave for lost war heroes. He was here and in the hospital, his body able to be laid to rest properly and allow the people who knew him some semblance of closure. But on the other hand, he was laying like some rag doll on a metal table in a morgue, stitched together and probably kept in a freezer like some sort of frozen TV dinner. The thought just didn’t sit well with her as she ran over it in her mind, feeling as though her brother had just become another nameless cadaver. 

“As I’m sure you know by now, the Army has identified your husband’s and your brother’s body,” he said as he looked from Ali to Ashlyn, not wanting to leave the other out. “What we are meeting for is to verify the identification and make sure you get his personal belongings as well as his uniforms.”

“Here is his duffle, Mrs. Harris,” Corporal Thomas suddenly spoke as he handed a bag that had been sitting in the corner that neither woman had yet noticed. “All of his personal items are in there as well as his ACU and his tags.”

Ali once again could only manage a curt nod as her words seemed to fail her and she felt the lump taking up residence at the base of her throat. She felt as though she were in a movie scene and watching someone else’s life happening— playing a role as her character found out about her husband dying at war and then going through the process afterwards. It was all too surreal and she could barely bring herself to believe it was her own life. The sadness nearly overwhelmed her as she gazed upon the bag the Corporal was setting next to her position. All that her husband had possessed while away from their home could fit in a thirty by fifty duffle bag. All that was left of him was wrapped up in the confines of Army green canvas. 

“I assume you wish for him to be buried in the ASU?” Thomas asked as she averted her eyes from the floor where the bag laid up to the man standing tall above it. 

“What?” Her hoarse, shaky voice finally made itself known as she contorted her face in confusion, not having quite registered the question or knew exactly what an ‘ASU’ was. 

“His dress uniform?” Thomas clarified as he stepped back a bit further from her. “You would like for him to be buried in it, correct?”

“Oh!” She finally felt the question sink in as she nodded affirmatively. “Yes. That would be fine.”

“I ask because we have that in a separate bag for you and, if you want, we can make the arrangements.”

“Thank you,” Ali replies before wiping a tear from her eye. “I appreciate that.”

“The honor is ours, Ma’am,” Thomas stated as he gently laid a hand on her shoulder. “Staff Sergeant Harris was the best of us.”

Ashlyn only continued to look on ahead of her, her eyes focusing on nothing in particular, just allowing the room to fade away as she lost herself in the reality of the situation. There were suddenly arrangements and burials, talk of her brother’s impending funeral filling up the space around her and making it harder to breathe. His death was suddenly real and she could feel her heart hammering away at her chest as she clenched her teeth and mentally reminded herself to keep it together. Ali was next to her. Three children were at home— a home that Ali had invited her to be a part of now— and she needed to remain strong and make sure that she could be there for them all— for her brother. She needed to do what her brother no longer could. She needed to watch out for his family at all costs. It was all there was left for her to do for Chris to repay him for all of the times he had been there for her and bailed her out— sometimes literally. Being there for his family had to be her top priority and she would make sure she held it together. She reasoned with herself that when the sun was down and Ali and the girls were all asleep, then and only then could she allow herself to break— to feel it all and let the tears fall down. 

“What is it that I have to do now?” Ali asked, her words a bit clipped as she worked hard to maintain her composure and get through whatever protocol there was.

“Mrs. Harris,” Dr. Ousley began as he laid the manilla envelope onto the coffee table in front of them all, his hand hovering over the edge as he proceeded to explain. “I have a photograph of your husband which depicts him from his shoulders to the top of his head. What you will see may be very upsetting for you and I am obligated to warn you of this beforehand. Should you need me to close the folder, I will not hesitate. Your husband sustained head trauma as he was buried under the weight of debris from the explosion. In addition to massive skull fracture, his airway was restricted as his trachea was crushed and he died primarily of asphyxiation.”

Tears blurred Ali’s eyes as her breath caught in her throat, her eyes locked onto the manilla folder housing the harrowing image of her dead husband post trauma. She was unsure of what to expect, not only from the photo, but from herself as well. Up to that point, she had maintained her composure and kept her tears at bay for much longer than she had expected. And she wondered if she would be able to do the same once the folder was opened. It was then she felt a hand grip onto hers from her side, her eyes averting to take in the equally fearful eyes of her sister-in-law. She momentarily allowed the tiniest wave of relief to rush through her as she remembered she wasn’t alone and did not have to be the only one left to deal with the damage done by seeing the photo. Though a photo was much less than gazing directly upon the deceased body of her loved one, she was still sure that it’s image would be no less haunting and probably consume her thoughts and dreams for a long time to come.

“Ok,” she whispered to the doctor as she nodded, squeezing Ashlyn’s hand for support and strength. “You can open the folder.”

Nodding in confirmation, Dr. Ousley slowly opened the folder and turned the image around to face the two women, eliciting a gasp from the long haired one and a strangled gulp from the other. He was truly saddened in each and every one of these situations, feeling the utmost sympathy as he watched the reaction of the family and friends of the deceased individuals he had been assigned to examine. It was not something that got any easier throughout his long career. It was even worse when these individuals happened to be young people with a long life ahead. But it was the absolute worst when it was a service member taken from his family during global conflict. Dr. Ousley would never see fairness or sense in any of it.

Sobbing as the tears stained her cheeks, Ali only managed a faint nod as the room in front of her, the photo included faded into a blur as she fought to breathe before choking out a strangled, “Yes… It’s him.”

Ashlyn remained breathless, her eyes burning through the image of her brother’s lifeless face— bruising covering the right side of his forehead and the utter paleness of his skin as his beard matted around the sides. He had never had a long beard before; but she guessed that in the middle of the desert, he had found it harder to save properly. Her thoughts then drifted to his last days and what that must have been like for him out in the middle of nowhere and not knowing what would happen. Was he homesick? Did he have adequate food and water? How did he deal with being away from his family? Did he think he would die? So many questions plagued her— questions that would never find answers— as she stared firmly at the photo. It was then she felt the grip on her hand slacken as Ali brought her hands up to cover her eyes, wiping frantically at the falling tears and trembling in turn. 

Her voice finally made itself known since entering the room and letting Ali take the lead. “I think we’ve seen enough. You can close the folder.”

It was approximately twenty-seven minutes later that Ali and Ashlyn had made their way back to the truck, their heaviness bulking them down as though they had worn ankle weights to cross the parking lot. It had been both more than they had been prepared for and less than they were expecting as they had driven over to the hospital an hour before; and neither one had uttered a single word since Ashlyn had told the doctor to put the image away. The two officers had offered their comfort as best as they could before escorting the two women out of the hospital, letting Ali know they would arrange for the proper military funeral and help her in any way they could. She had only nodded them on as she took the proffered duffle they had retrieved for her from the rubble of the explosion. The bag itself had held up surprisingly well and it was fortunate— Thomas had said— that Chris had yet to unpack, having only arrived at the bunker the previous morning and thus allowing for his things to be easily retrieved. Fortunate— As if anything had been fortunate. 

Gripping to Chris’ Army duffle, Ali sat in the truck on the passenger side motionless and completely lost in her own thoughts as she wondered what she was to do or think now. The past twenty-six hours had been a complete whirlwind that had upended her life. Her marriage— her future— her best friend was gone and now she was left to raise children that would never really know their father. Two girls would only know him from distant memories and stories that they would vaguely remember; but one wouldn’t know him at all. One would only ever know him from old photographs and secondhand memories that she would never feel a part of. The thought terrified Ali as she wondered how long until she began to forget as well. How long until the smell of his Old Spice or the sound of his laughter faded? How long until she forgot the burning sensation his touch ignited across her skin or the way his kisses tasted like peppermint? How long until he was forgotten to the point of no longer existing? 

She was so lost in her thoughts throughout the entire drive home that she didn’t register the truck had shut off until Ashlyn spoke, “Al? Do you need anything?”

“Oh— um,” Ali faltered as she broke herself from her trance, looking across the bench seat into sad hazel eyes. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now? What do I do now?”

“I don’t know,” Ashlyn softly replied as she looked down to her hands that still gripped the steering wheel.

It was only for the briefest of moments, but Ashlyn allowed her mind to drift off as she reflected on the events that had transpired since Ali had picked her up from a bar, drunk and slightly beaten up. It had seemed so very long ago that she was that person— that carefree, charge into trouble girl who’d had a few too many beers and gotten into a scuffle with a trio of much larger guys that she had rubbed the wrong way as she’d sauntered by them with enough swagger to have stolen all of their wives. She could only think of that now as though it had occurred a million years ago or in someone else’s life, surely a night like that doesn’t end up becoming the day she lost her brother. None of it made any sense. At the bar, she’d had no idea— no inkling— that her life was about to take such a drastic turn and she would wind up driving her sister-in-law to a hospital to identify her dead brother’s corpse. There was just no rhyme or reason to any of it. And she wondered just how much worse things could get from there. 

A jingling broke Ashlyn from her thoughts as Ali’s hand came into her vision, clutching a chain and two tags that she could feel sink her heart to the pit of her stomach. 

“Here, Ash,” Ali’s fatigued voice began as she sniffled back her tears. “You should have these.”

“Oh— I couldn’t,” she faltered in her response, barely able to feel the tear make its way from her own eye. “Those are—“

“Please,” she pleaded with Ashlyn to just take them, to give her one less thing to feel the weight from. “He would want you to have them.”

“Ali, I—“ she began with a shake of her head before Ali interrupted again. 

“They don’t belong with anyone else,” Ali said with conviction as she placed the tags into Ashlyn’s palm and closed her tattooed fingers over them, seemingly sealing it into a done deal. “He would be really proud of the way you have been there for us since we found out. I can’t thank you enough.”

“You already thanked me today,” Ashlyn reminded her as she fingered the tags and slowly brought them up and over her head to dangle around her neck. “I’ll never take them off, Ali. Thank you.”

“The next few weeks are going to be really hard, especially for the girls once they know,” Ali said through a conglomerate of tears as she turned away from Ashlyn’s gaze. “I hope you will stick around for a while. I can't be alone.”

If Ashlyn has been unsure of where she belonged or what she should do going forward, then Ali’s soft confession made her decision for her. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
